Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given
by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -
to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads.
But you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now!
Scatter. Party!
♪ ALTERED IMAGES: Happy Birthday
♪ Happy birthday Happy birthday... ♪
***, Lilian.
JOE: 'When you're a kid, a birthday is a day of sweets,
'fizzy drinks and throwing up.
'When you're older, it's a night of drugs, alcohol and throwing up.
'I don't mind the celebrating, it's everything else that I don't get.
'The sinister shit.
'People hiding in the dark, surprising you with a cake on fire
'and singing that fucking horrible song.
'That first note, like a dirge.
'And all that makes you think, "This isn't a song about life,
'"this is a song about fucking death."'
ALL: Drink! Drink! Drink!
'...Which I suppose it kind of is.
'Another year, another step nearer the grave.
'Another year where nothing's happened, where nothing's changed.
'Happy fucking birthday.'
(CHEERING)
Joe Pritchard, I need a word...
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah?
...in private.
He's been a very naughty boy, officer.
(CHEERING)
He's gonna go down.
Hey, listen, ladies, when I do go down, I go down for a very long time!
(CHEERING)
And you are going to have to throw the book at me for this!
Come on, then, get on with it.
Mr Pritchard,
I'm sorry to say that your father has been involved in a serious accident.
He died earlier this evening.
I'm sorry.
'Don't put stuff off till tomorrow because tomorrow might never come.
'Take the pill...
'Neck the drink...
'And fuck the married woman.'
Karen.
Hiya.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad.
What's this?
It's our new house.
You, me, our baby.
You're not thinking of playing today, are ya?
It'll do me good. Keep my mind occupied, you know?
All right...
I'll, er... I'll be outside.
♪♪♪
You lot give up before we've even kicked off.
Halves, boys. Just like the pre-match rules say.
Thank you. Fuck off.
Mimi's not coming today, so she's asked yours truly to escort you.
Just to make sure you're all sober for kickoff.
You only get tea at half-time and nobody gets done for assault.
And who's gonna give me the ball back?
It's called an 'at-trick. And?
So don't worry, I'm not here to interfere with you.
Unless you want me to, of course.
(JEERING)
(JEERING) Poof!
Shut it, fagasaurus!
DOG BARKING
Why not?
My home.
My husband. My baby.
Our baby.
You don't know that.
And neither do you. Come with me for one night.
Let me show you what it could be like, us together.
I can't just leave here for a night.
I'm not gonna leave Jamie
and I'm not gonna walk away from everything.
Do you want a half?
Oh, no thanks, I'm not stoppin'.
Ian's got his football, it's about time I had something.
Keep practidsing circles.
Picasso made a perfect circle.
(SIGHING)
All right, boys, tea's on the way.
Some painkillers for your back. It must be hurting,
the amount of times you've had to pick the ball out of the back of the net.
Yeah, cos this lot are running around like headless chickens!
Fuck off!
Try saving a shot every now and again!
Try saving a shot every now and again! He's like a dog on wet lino!
You can't blame it all on Micky.
What do you know about it?
They're dictating all the play.
You're giving them too much space. They're pulling you apart on the wings.
Drawing you out wide and then pummelling you straight down the middle.
But like you say, Chesney, what would I know about it,
being a poof an' all?
Just for the record, there's more gays than Asians in the Premiership.
In fact, there's probably more gays than Asians at United,
which is why they're so successful.
Which is why they're so successful. Are you saying they're successful
because they haven't got any Asians playing for 'em?
You fucking racist!
Whoa! Leave it, Chesney! Leave it!
Chesney!
Let go of it!
MICKY: Deep breaths.
Hands up if you want Bruce to manage us second half.
Full house. Kings and queens.
Ah! You all right, Mimi?
I'm not feeling meself.
Is that all?
Breathlessness, mood swings, tiredness.
Me skin's crawling with spiders.
An overly dry vagina.
But I don't like to complain.
Yeah(!)
I'm probably dying.
Well, you're on the chain. ***
There you go. Menopause. You're just like me now.
Keep an eye out for *** discharge.
Vagina walls might ***
(MEN SHOUTING) MAN: 8-5!
Chatsworth Estate's Barmy Army!
Your brother... Mwah! ...is a managerial genius.
Manager?
I am a genius, but it wasn't just me or him, it was the whole team.
♪♪♪
Fuck off.
You were missed, you know.
Oh, thanks. I couldn't have gone, not with my gut.
I think it was that dodgy Chinese I had last night.
What was his name?
I shagged a Chinese guy once and ten minutes later
I was horny all over again.
(GROANING) That's racist.
It's a joke, homophobe.
Shame there's no more games, innit?
Maybe there could be.
Why, what do you get out of it?
Kudos, public adoration, respect.
And permission to gaze at all the fit, sweaty men running round in shorts?
(LAUGHTER)
BUZZING
♪ Until the sky turns green
♪ The grass is several shades of blue
♪ Every member of parliament trips on glue... ♪
Dark, innit?
I asked you to come for a night.
♪ Until the sky turns green
♪ And the grass is several shades of blue
♪ Every member of parliament trips on glue
♪ It takes all these things
♪ And all that time... ♪
(KNOCKING) Just a minute.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I just wanted to see if everything's OK.
Our last life model... Mr Arlington!
Maxine Donnelly.
You haven't changed one bit!
Er... You have.
BRUCE: You'd better be on form today, lads.
I pulled a lot of strings to get us in this tournament,
and laid out entrance and registration fees.
I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think we could win.
Yeah! Come on, boys.
So get out there and fucking have it.
(ALL CHEERING)
Come on, boys, let's do this!
♪♪♪
(THEY SING ALONG)
I've got the feeling we're not in Kansas any more.
- Everyone'll think I'm gay. - What's wrong with that?
Women love the gays, don't they? The gays?
Mate, they go mad for it. They want to turn you straight and all that.
Yes, Ches, it's a gay tournament, but first prize is a grand.
That'd cover fees for next year
and leave us with enough for a big fuck-off party.
What do you reckon? Go gay for pay?
Hands up all those who think we should get the fuck out of here and go home,
right now.
Oh, fuck it. I don't mind. Me neither.
I just want a kick around and we might win something.
Are you being serious? Carl?
Yeah, come on, boys! (CHEERING)
Bit of a romantic on the quiet, aren't you?
Couldn't get a log fire sorted though, could you?
You smooth bastard.
It could be like this all the time.
But this isn't real life.
And what if I got ill? I'd look after you.
It's not like a cold or flu.
I know.
I know it might not be easy,
and I know we'll have shit to deal with,
but I have thought about it, Karen. I've thought about nothing else.
I'll do anything.
I want you.
(CONNOR GRIZZLES)
And you!
Ian!
Yes!
(CHEERING)
Lovely strike, sweetie. Easy!
MAN: Powerful shot you've got there!
*** to the fabulous Jockey.
O-Observe the lines of the body.
See how they flow into each other to form relationships.
Okay.
And pay particular attention to the places where the lines form space,
areas we can't see, where innocent lines cross
and...and create space, shade...
..forbidden areas.
(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)
(KNOCKING) Just a minute.
That's a really bad habit you've got.
Should it not be knock, wait, then come in?
I probably said the same thing to you back at school.
A couple of times, yeah.
Er... I'm sorry it's not very much.
Oh, ta. I wasn't really doing it for the money, to be honest.
Doing it for the love?
Kinda.
I wanted to do some art,
but I'm shit. This is the nearest thing to it.
You're not shit.
You made some great sculptures for me back in my class.
I suppose I was always quite good with my hands.
(CHUCKLES)
Not like that, Mr Arlington!
Marc.
We're both adults now.
Can I give you a lift home?
One team of poofs stands between us and 1,000 quid.
So listen, you are giants, you are City, Barcelona, Brazil.
You are kings. So get out there and murder 'em.
Come on, boys. Yes, yes.
Yes! Keep it nice and tight.
(THEME FROM ROCKY PLAYS)
♪♪♪
Fuck.
(CHEERING)
What the fuck are you doing?
Shit.
He sounds nice.
Nice, yeah, he is.
So, what about you, anyway?
Still married to Mrs Arlington?
Um, divorced.
A couple of years back.
Are you OK?
Yes. It was all my fault, really.
I had an affair. You must have heard.
No.
Susannah Royal, a couple of years behind you.
You shagged a pupil?! She was 16.
You never tried to shag me!
Er...another?
I best not. I should get off.
I mean, I should go. I'll give you a lift.
I'm only round the corner, it's fine.
I insist.
You're a bunch of fucking pricks, eh?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Fucking...
Ian?
I think I broke something.
Something...or someone?
Corny.
That's me.
Thanks, man.
You're welcome.
You're on. What?
It's 5-all, we're a man down and there's a minute left.
You'd be letting your mates down, your team.
Ref! Spitting!
For fuck's sake, Chesney, you have to.
I don't have to do anything.
He's right, Ches. You don't have to. It's your choice.
And whatever you decide is fine by me.
Reverse psychology?
Yes.
(CROWD GROANING)
Come on, Ches!
(THEME FROM ROCKY PLAYS)
Come on, Ches!
(CHEERING)
Fucking have it!
The new champions!
Who are ya?!
Yes, that's it.
Oh, yes.
Private art teacher? You're not allowed in schools any more, then?
No.
Oh, of course not.
Well, thanks for the lift. Again.
Oh, perhaps you don't remember.
I picked you up once from a bus stop in the rain.
I...er...mmm.
What? No.
What? I shouldn't.
What?
I wanted to kiss you that day.
(CHUCKLES)
I wanted to grab hold of you and kiss you.
And...
Fuck you senseless.
Sorry, I've got to...go.
We won.
Brilliant.
How did you get on?
With Joe?
You said you were going to pop in and give him a hand with the funeral.
Oh, yeah, I saw him.
His dad ain't got a lot of mates, so it won't be a big do.
I'm just having a shower.
I feel a bit dirty. It's been a long day.
You feel a bit dirty, do you?
Well, so do I.
What's up?
I need a shower.
Oh, don't worry about that.
No! No.
Karen?
We... What?
We need to talk.
Shall we get dressed and then we can talk?
Get dressed?! If we get dressed,
we can talk... What is it, Karen? What's going on?
Just give me a minute. What the fuck is going on?
Give me a fucking minute! Tell me!
I'm seeing...
I've been seeing someone else.
How have we got here, eh?
I mean, we had so much, the two of us.
I felt like I could do anything, you know?
With you.
Together.
I'm sorry.
No.
No, I'm sorry.
It's not all your fault, is it?
It's both of us.
I've not looked after you.
Fuck's sake!
You are my fucking life.
You're my fucking life, Karen. You and Connor and...
I'm just going to go to my mum's.
Look...
I've not exactly been faithful myself.
Oh, come on, let's do something together. Let's go t'pictures.
I'll see you later.
(YELPS)
Put it down.
You don't know where it's been. Canal Street is calling.
Canal Street?
It's a gay presentation for a gay football tournament in a gay bar.
Hardly's gonna be ***
Oh, God. Yes, Max,
I'll keep my ***
Fuck off.
Come here.
Come on.
Poor Cinderella, left all alone in the house,
while the beautiful boys go to the bar.
You forgot to take it yesterday.
How about the day before?
I don't know.
It was months ago.
Months?
Went out with the boys.
I met her in a club.
One thing led to another and we slept together.
'r
So sorry, Karen. I didn't mean...
I was angry and I was pissed.
'r
I started to do it for the money.
I mean, we were skint cos...
What, because of me?
So it's my fault that you fucked other people?
You fucked other people.
One person. One. There's a big fucking difference.
I shagged anonymous women who I didn't care about. And you...
You went back to the same fucking bloke!
WIND WHISTLES
Who is he, Karen?
Who have you been fucking?
It's none of your business.
Course it's my business!
It's got nothing to do... with nothing.
It's got nothing to do...
..with nothing!
It's nothing.
It's...it's nothing.
Couldn't they have posted the cheque or summat?
Couldn't they have posted the cheque or summat? Come on, Ches, you're the hero. Enjoy yourself.
Coming through!
Here you are, love, get that down you.
Gorgeous.
You're not going to meet the girl of your dreams in here, granted.
Nobody will think you're gay. And no-one back in Chatsworth
will even know you're here, so loosen up. Just have a good time.
You ready boys? Yeah? Come.
Remember, act gay.
Not that fucking gay!
Nice in here, in't it? Everyone's dead friendly.
So when's the presentation and all that?
Soon as the papers arrive.
Papers?
Pink news, gay news,
Manchester evening news,
couple of national, it might even be a tv.
A tv a transvestite or a tv a television?
We're gonna be famous.
Hiya.
The film doesn't start till two.
Time for a cheeky glass before we go?
Um...
Cheers.
(LAUGHS)
(GASPS)
Eggnog!
Ches!
I just like to say a few thank yous.
First of all to all the other teams
Who battled with us.
Losers!
Thanks to the organizers and
everybody here.
CHEERING
Let's do this.
♪♪♪
it's the Jockeys.
CHEERING
A grand's worth of hotel vouchers?
I swear I didn't know until yesterday.
Why would I want to go to the Gayzone hotel in Barcelona?
Why wouldn't you?
Fucking queer!
What is your problem? Him.
He had us mincing about in there and it makes me fucking sick.
You're bang out of order.
You can fuck off, too! Another lying faggot.
Yeah, you heard right.
Ian Gallagher is a fucking bender.
They know.
I don't. Maxine's a bloke?
I know what you're about.
You two.
That lot in there. I know what you're doing
when you're putting your hands on my back.
You like your straight blokes, don't you?
Is that what you did with my dad?
Touched him up, so you could suck his dick? Is it?
You touched him up, so you could suck him off?
Yeah. Yeah. I sucked your dad's cock.
He sucked my cock. He couldn't get enough of it.
You fucking...
But the thing you need to know about your dad, Ches,
is that it weren't me. It were him.
He came on to me.
Fuck off!
Believe what you want. It doesn't bother me.
But you need to know the truth.
We're going. Now.
I've got reason to believe that you're not an out gay team.
Who are you, the bandit police?
Yeah, actually.
This was an exclusively gay football tournament.
All right, all right, we know.
Some of us are gay, some of us aren't. Here y'are.
Come on, let's bounce.
You can stay for a bit, can't you?
Canal Street?
I can't.
I'm with someone.
Fine.
It was him?
It was my dad...
..who came on to you?
Come on.
(LAUGHS)
Let's go t'pictures!
Shit.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
That's mine and Ian's bed.
Let's do it on the floor, then. Standing up?
No, I don't want to.
I am so sorry to fuck you about, Marc.
But this would be the biggest mistake ever.
And I can't do that. Not to Ian.
That's a bit much, innit?.!
Sorry.
Marc? It's my heart.
(PANTS FOR BREATH) I can't...
Marc?.!
Ohhh! Excited... Stressed...
Oh, fuck!
Fucking hell!
Marc!
It'll pass. It'll... Ohhh!
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Hiya. Ambulance, please.
27 Shipman Street.
Marc Arlington.
MOBILE RINGS
♪♪♪
Yes, a heart attack.
A fucking heart attack!
Oh, fucking hell.
No, no, no, not you. Yes, he's still alive.
Can you just hurry up, please?
(GASPS FOR BREATH)
Hiya, babes, you all right?
Oh, nothing, you know.
Oh, it's just some shit film. I'll just turn it down.
Yeah, go for a drink. Go for a dozen.
Yeah.
I'll just see you whenever. All right.
He was my father but he weren't a dad.
He was never there for me.
He never saw me...kick a ball.
Never bought me a pint. Never.
Never.
Fucked off when I was a kid and I never saw him,
except when I had a bit of cash and he wanted something.
But as much as I hated him...
..he was my father.
Never a dad.
I'll see you later, Dad.
Maxine!
I think it's egg and cress.
Oh, that will be nice.
I don't like egg.
Since when?
I want a pie.
I don't think there are any pies.
There must be. It's not a buffet without a dinky beef.
Oh, how about a lovely chicken drum...
I want a pie. Ask if they've got any pies. Go on.
Excuse me, Joe, but...
Do you have any pies?
Sorry.
I'd have thought he'd have laid on a decent spread for his father.
Did you know him?
Did any of you know him?
Well, you know...not strictly, no.
But, I mean, this is a time when people come together, innit?
You know, when communities unite.
It's like we were all throwing flowers at Lady Diana's coffin...
Shut it, Frank.
It's all right for me to raise a glass though?
Sorry about that, I was checking in on Karen. She's...
A bit all over the place at the minute.
Strictly between us,
we're going through a bit of a rough patch.
She's been having an affair.
It's over now. I think we're going to make a go of it.
Enough about me, eh?
Two pints, please.
And that's just for starters.
Bruce is paying, aren't you mate?
Yeah.
Bruce has promised us a party, haven't ya?
What's that, Bruce? Drinks all round? (LAUGHS)
You all right, mate?
I will be.
Listen...
I'll understand if you, er...
What?
..if you've thought about giving me a blow job.
I don't ever want you to do it or anything,
but I'll understand if you've had a sly wank over the thought of it.
Fuck off!
Another beer, Joe?
Listen, I know how hard it is to lose someone close,
but it will get easier, I promise.
In the meantime, if you need a chat, a beer, whatever,
if there's anything either of us can do, anything at all, just ask.
Anything?
Yeah.
Your wife.
I want your wife.
That I've been fucking on and off for over a year.
We don't want wasting any more time sneaking around on your back.
So I'd like her to go with me.
I'd like my son too.
You'll be wanting your change, then?
I think you'd better get your coat.
Nothing happened, Ian.
I swear it on my life, nothing, nothing happened.
I thought about it, and I nearly did, but I didn't.
I couldn't.
I love you!
(SCREAMS) What the fuck?!
What the fuck have you done, Joe?
We.
Karen, we. What the fuck have we done.
You should have left it to me.
I couldn't wait. Life's too short.
You don't know what he'll do.
We'll deal with it.
DNA tests.
Psychiatric reports. Court cases. He won't leave us be.
Let's kill the cunt.
No.
James! No.
I said no.
This is my shit and I'll fix it.
I don't need help from any of you unless I ask for it, you got that?
(KAREN) He's a convicted fucking murderer.
What's gonna stop him doing it again?
He isn't the sort of bloke who just walks away from stuff.
(CONNOR CRIES)
We could go. We could get Connor and leave right now.
No, it's not safe.
He'll kill us.
You, me...
This is when he's at his worst, when you don't know what he's thinking.
What he's planning on doing.
And this... This is when...
He's either going to lock the doors and go to bed...
...or...
(KNOCKING)
I've double locked the shop, the flat. There's chains, bolts, CCT...
What are you doing?
You're not going out there.
I'm not knackering up my best clothes.
This isn't a little kids' fight.
I'm not hiding away.
You're not at school. He's not just going to slap you about a bit.
He's gonna fucking kill ya!
I'll be ready for him.
No! Joe. Joe!
Jamie!
Joe, please don't.
Jamie, I know you're out here.
Come back inside, Joe, please.
Jamie!
(FOOTSTEPS)
We're going to have to sort this out.
I know that your pride is...
Fuck off! I haven't come to see you,
you weasley little fuck.
Karen,
Karen...
What?
This is your last chance.
Come on. We can work through this.
Come home.
What do you say?
Brought someone to see you.
No! Fuck, no!
It's me dad.
Fuck!
Joe!
Joe! Joe, get up!
(SOBBING)
Karen's a little bit tired, isn't she?
Shut it.
I've heard she's not been taking her meds.
She'll go mental again.
Shall we call the hospital? Get a section?
Don't worry about it, mate. I'll look after her for you.
Where's Connor?
Where the fuck is my son?
Far away from you.
Jamie...
Get her out.
He's safe from you.
What do you mean? Karen...
Jamie!
Where the fuck is my son?
Go on, Fuck off!
Where is my son?
Fuck off!
He's my son. I want my son!
Fuck off! Fucking bitch.
Go on, Karen.
Piss off, you fucking trollop.
Fucking slapper! (KAREN SCREAMS)
I want my son!
(JOE) My dad didn't give a fuck about right and wrong,
fallout, consequences.
Because they never affected him.
Cause and effect. Whatever we do has an effect.
Maybe not for us, at first, but for everyone else, it does.
It always does.
The way you live your life, the things you do, the choices you make...
(GROWLING) No-o-o-o!
...will have an effect somewhere along the line.
And you might not give a shit.
You're just a butterfly fluttering its wings,
but on the other side of the world...
Connor...I want him back.
You haven't seen us, right?
Let go of my son.
We've got family up there!
Loved ones who are facing their darkest hour!
How's your foo-foo? It's fine, thank you.
And it may get tough. And some of us might not get out alive.
Just remember what it was
that turned this country from Britain into Great Britain.
Check mate.
(GUNSHOT)
www.addic7ed.com