Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by 'im upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth
could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face.
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -
to calm us all down to stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads...
but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
Scatter. Party!
www.addic7ed.com
I once fell in love with a man I'd never met.
Actor. Movie star.
Handsome thing.
Dangerous lips. The promise of sin in smouldering brown eyes.
I wanted him.
I wanted him so badly it hurt.
Years later, I was working in a bookshop and in he walks.
Out of fantasy and into the flesh.
And we talked. Laughed.
But it wasn't too long before I realised that the man I loved
was capable only of loving himself.
Meeting him ruined every memory of him I'd ever held dear.
I've never watched a film of his since.
The fantasy is always better than the reality.
Eamonn, Eamonn, yes, Eamonn! Oh, God I'm coming. Oh, God, I'm coming.
I'm coming, aaaah!
Libby!
She made this horrible moaning noise, kept shouting,
"Eamonn, Eamonn!" Then cried out to God that she were coming.
Can you imagine how terrible that must be?
A prisoner in your own body,
your only escape - your only release - in your dreams.
That's all they are, babe, you know, just dreams, there's nowt in 'em.
I still dream of boffing Monica.
Your nerves must be shot to pieces.
Agh, he's not the only one - look at that.
I thought the poor old love was a goner.
Why don't you get yourself down the pub?
That's my drinking hand.
That's my drinking hand. Which is why you're only getting a tenner.
Micky - my sister, Tonya, she's going to be staying here for a while.
Didn't know you had a sister.
Same dad, different mum. Half sister.
Which half?
You're not 16 yet...
OK, it isn't a massive problem, so whatever you do keep calm, OK?
Your dad's in the Jockey.
Shit.
You know his mistake, don't ya?
Saying, "Keep calm".
It's like saying to someone, "Don't worry,"
cos the first thing you're going to do is worry, innit?
So, Jamie's the looker,
Shane's the thinker,
that means you must be the gobshite.
All right, Homer.
Frank.
Pint of Jesus juice.
Yeah, all right, rack us up a slate.
Don't know when you got out...
Yesterday, it was in the paper.
...but if you want to stay out, you'll keep your distance from me and her,
cos I'm just dying to see you back inside
and hearing you've been butt-fucked by every window-licker on the side wing.
And I'm waiting for the day when I crack open the bubbly and tell our
Tonya that our bastard of a father's shuffled off his mortal coil.
The kid's been through enough since her mam died
without you turning up like a bad smell.
So count this as a warning, Daddy dearest,
your last.
Or what?
Or that.
APPLAUSE
Dad's been warned but you know what he's like, so if he comes near you...
Call the Dibble.
No, no police. Not in here.
Tell me, Mimi, any of the lads, and we'll get him sorted.
Look, if he bothers you again, yeah,
it's concrete boots,
quick ferry across the Mersey and bye-bye, Daddy.
Got family in the 'pool. Half Scouse.
Which half?
He fucked my mam round, he fucked your mam round. You owe him nothing.
Where's Shane got to?
Family business.
If he's not back in time, you're him, right?
Leave the talking to me, sit there and do your best to look 15.
I am 15!
Lippy off. And less tit.
Don't worry, I'm not interested.
In young girls - kids - I mean, I do like 'em.
You know what I mean, I love 'em. Not in a paedo way. Just...
Now remember - calm, collected,
leave the talking to me.
You've passed the CRB check and the local authority
are happy for Tonya to stay with you and Shane for the time being.
It's nice to see a family reunited.
Just a shame about the circumstance.
I just need to check on a few details.
Just you and Shane in residence?
Just two of us but relatives drop in all the time - busy house.
But no overnight stays, Shane? They'd need CRB clearance
to be allowed to stay overnight with a LAC.
I wish you wouldn't call me that.
Looked After Child.
Sorry.
We'll make sure no-one stays while she's here.
With a luck and a lot of help, your dad should be able
to sort himself out and you'll be back with him before you know it.
There was talk of Tonya getting her own place, once she reaches 16.
She'd need to get her son out of care to be guaranteed council accommodation.
I'm sure there's no need to remind you of the history of neglect.
Hardly neglect -
her mum had died, her dad were in prison and she had no cash.
The baby was malnourished.
So was she. She's 15.
Which is why we've decided to give her a second chance.
Programmed to respond as its real-life counterpart.
GURGLING
I did tell Tonya last time we met.
There's a memory chip that records everything.
So if she keeps the doll happy, she'll get her kid back?
It'll go in her favour.
You can't compare a baby with a piece of plastic.
If she loses her rag on this, there's no harm done.
If she does the same with Enrico, there's a court case and negligence
allegations all round. And we don't want that, do we?
I think Tonya's been through enough over the past few months.
Leave him!
GASPS
Eddie, come on, come on, come on.
Go on, one more.
CHEERS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
Go on, lad, one more!
Another step, mate, go on.
CHEERING
Drinks on the house!
Are you saying he grew new legs?
What do you think he is, a fuckin' newt?
The trip to the shrine of St Boniface the Second in France.
Remember the whip-round we had?
Boniface saw a vision of the Virgin Mary.
Ten years in a wheelchair,
got to the holy grotto, took four men to lower him into the waters
and not one to get him out. Cos he walked.
Walked, Libby. Walked.
Yeah, and his wheelchair had a re-spray and new tyres.
Mock all you like. God works in mysterious ways.
Get yourself over there, Patty, and try it out.
What do you make of that, Mum?
When God first saw fit to confine me to this contraption,
I prayed every day, every night, pleaded, begged, bargained for a way out.
He wasn't listening. Home, Libby!
Well, we've only just got here.
There's online bingo. I want to go home now.
OK, I'll go home alone.
If I'm mugged, raped, don't hold yourself responsible.
I'm perfectly f...
Don't take it all to heart.
She's got a lot to put up with, stuck in that thing all day.
Drive anyone round the bend.
Yeah.
Shit.
Oh, my God.
Get an ambulance.
Is he dead?
Oh, the irony.
Play this right and you'll be just down the road from me.
I can help out with Enrico and make sure Dad keeps his distance.
Just going to the loo.
She's a good kid.
She's like her mam - have the fillings out your back teeth
before you realise you got your gob open.
DOOR SHUTS
Fuck!
Look after that till she gets back.
I can't stay here all night.
I've got a rugby team booked in half an hour,
I can hardly drag junior along.
There's 30 quid in it for ya.
I'll be back around midnight. Don't wait up, bye.
DOLL CRIES
Mimi, Jamie said to come straight up.
Course, come in, sit down. Drink?
Vodka tonic?
Going to be one of those talks, is it?
The pilgrimage you organised for Steady Eddie? The fundraiser?
What about it?
If it isn't too much trouble...
I mean, if it is, just let me know, if I'm over stepping the mark.
I've always believed that God had a big black book and we each had
a page, our whole lives mapped out for us before we were even born.
Never had you marked down as a fatalist.
I was taught to accept whatever life threw at you and just get on with it.
Seeing Eddie walk got me thinking.
Maybe miracles don't just happen to other people.
Maybe we're due one?
I know it's a long shot,
but if there's even the remotest possibility that it could work,
then I owe it to Mum to try.
You owe it to yourself. Looking after her 24/7 can't be too easy.
So you want to take her to France?
We haven't two pennies to rub together, so we'd need to do
a fundraiser and, well, I just wouldn't even know where to begin.
So I was wondering...
Would you consider helping me?
I'd be honoured.
Feck off. I hate the Frogs more than I hate the feckin' l-talians.
Mum!
She doesn't want to go. She's hardly one of God's chosen, is she?
If she'd lived a few hundred years ago, she'd been permanently strapped to a fucking ducking stool.
It could work.
Bollocks.
For once, I agree.
Do it for me. If ever I've meant more to you
than just being a skivvy, someone to feed and clothe you, to wipe your...
Eating!
Libby, God's not going to look favourably on the likes of me.
I was excommunicated the second I fell in love with your father,
he'll think of me as nothing more than a sinner.
I don't know, Steady Eddie was done time and again for exposing himself.
Used to flash at the nuns up at St Morrissey's.
God had him back up on his feet in no time.
And smited him with a coronary
that would have stopped an elephant in its tracks.
OK, let's put the faith issue to one side and look at this as a break.
Two days in the glorious French countryside -
great hotel, waited on hand and foot.
I never said I was a total
non-believer.
Once a Catholic...
DOLL CRIES
Micky, it's 4 o'clock in the morning!
What the fuck are you doin'?
Doing a favour for Kelly.
Well, Tonya really, but...
Have you run through the checklist?
What?
We've got these at the hospital. Have you fed it?
Fed, watered and bathed.
Put it in the back of the car.
The engine'll knock it out.
Katie used to love that when she were little.
That's the theory. Let us know how it goes.
For fuck's sake Micky.
Kel.
Micky.
DOLL CRIES
You've woke him up now, I only got him off half an hour ago.
I can't take him, I'm going to school.
I don't give a fuck where you're going.
I don't give a fuck where you're going. I'll get the piss ripped out of me if I turn up with that thing.
Please, Kel.
I didn't sign up for this. You said you'd pick him up by midnight.
Get to school, I'll sort it.
I know it's a pain in the arse, but you know how important this is.
Can't you take it into work, get one of the girls to look after it?
Can't you take it into work, get one of the girls to look after it? Tonya doesn't know how I earn a wage and I'd like to keep it that way.
20 quid a day.
30 and a 50 bonus if baby's memory card
reads like a dream at the end of the week. Please.
She's a pain in the arse.
I know, but she's me sister. She's family, Micky. I owe her.
And I'll owe you. Big time.
You're just using your feminine wiles to tug on my heart strings.
You're just using your feminine wiles to tug on my heart strings. Is it working?
I'm sorry, OK. I'm just tired.
Will you lot keep it down?!
No wonder he won't settle!
Little tip for ya. When my Rodney was about his age
and wouldn't sleep, I used to hold
a small pillow over his face. Just till he nodded off, like.
EVERYONE STOPS TALKING
What, like I'm the only one?
I get more out of him than I ever thought possible.
Grown quite attached.
Don't tell madam that. We'll never see her again.
You'd be a nice dad.
Trustworthy.
What about you? You were thinking about adopting a while back.
Don't think I'd make a very good parent, somehow.
Never had much by the way of example.
What time do you call this?
Went for a coffee with a mate, got gabbing. Sorry.
Went for a coffee with a mate, got gabbing. Sorry. The social get wind of you treating this place like an hotel
and you'll be back in care before you know it.
Your tea's burnt. I been calling you but it goes straight to voicemail.
It's like you're not interested.
I can cope with it but what he's going to make of it, God only knows.
I can cope with it but what he's going to make of it, God only knows. Micky, he's not real.
It's what he represents.
Enrico's in care for a reason.
They don't think you can look after him.
They don't think you can look after him. What if they're right?
Come on, don't be too hard on yourself.
Your mum'd not long died, you was on your own.
I'm not now, am I.
It's time I got me act together.
Concentrated on getting my son back.
I was going to go out.
This bloke I've just hooked up with.
Ah, he's gorgeous, Micky.
Like something out of a boy-band.
Yeah? Which one?
Hey?
I'll send him a text, tell him it's over.
The least you can do is tell him to his face.
I'll cover for you.
Really? Go on.
Do you want me to take Kanye?
He's due a feed in an hour.
Ladies and gents, the star attraction's arrived.
CHEERING
We've got 500 quid to raise.
So we'd better get started with our slave for a day auction.
Looking very smart, Carl.
Off into town after this.
On the pull?
Might get lucky.
If you don't and you come by my place and the light's on, give us a knock.
You are familiar with the term MILF, Carl?
L75.
85.
Any advance on 85?
95.
Once? Twice. Sold!
5.50. Come on, ladies.
Libby's assured me he's got a crackin' bedside manner. 5.75? 5.60?
On its own, number one.
House! House!
House!
Once at 30. Any advance on 30?
Get your fucking shirt off.
35.
40.
45. Once. Twice...
Sold.
Hey.
I've wanted this for years.
The chance for Mum to be OK.
What will I do, Frank?
This is all I've ever known.
If it work's, it's down to me
and I don't know what to do or how to do it.
Yeah, just cos you want something,
doesn't mean to say that you're going to get it.
I've been hankering for a threesome
with Jordan and Katie Price for donkey's years,
can't see that happening.
She's made every decision for me,
decided every move I've ever made and...
It was you who decided to take her to France.
And if him upstairs actually grants us a fucking miracle and
she comes back under her own steam, I want you doing cartwheels up that
road because you'll be free!
Free!
We've reached the target!
CHEERING
KNOCK ON DOOR
Shane?
Patrick.
Shane? Patrick. Shane.
Micky.
Shane.
Ricky?
Julie.
Kelly.
Shit.
Ton.
Fuck!
Please don't punish Tonya for my mistake. She's got no-one.
She's got me. I thought she had you.
Julie, I know you've got a job to do,
and I think you do it brilliantly.
But you must know that sometimes things don't go to plan and...
Can't you just turn a blind eye?
This once?
The only person who really suffers, the only one being punished is Tonya.
I'll help out, as well you know.
Between the both of us we'll make sure she's safe, never on her own.
Come on. Everybody deserves a break.
Just one.
Please.
Just one. If you fuck this up, she's back in care. Have you got that?
If my bosses found out about your father-in-law...
Is the flat still a possibility?
As long as that memory card reads like we need it to.
Wagons roll.
Don't come back with frogs' legs...
Hey, get as much baccy as you can,
it's dirt cheap in France. Ram a few packs down your knickers.
I'm not going.
What?!
You said I should start living,
and I want to start living so bad, Frank, so bad!
What if I get there and it fails?
What if God takes one look at her and say, "No, not you. Not today."
Libby!
I couldn't stand it. Couldn't.
Well, I want the old witch out of here just as much as you do,
but there's no way she's going to get there on her own, is there?
Which is why you're taking her.
Oh, no! No, no, she's your mum not mine.
You can cope better if it succeeds or fails.
You don't give a shit either way.
Your bag's packed.
Look because of the effect she has on you - on us - I want
a miracle too, but I want it for you.
Then go.
Because if you don't, I'm out of here.
This is madness and you know it.
Oh, I disagree.
I'd also like to prefix that by saying, I do not believe in God.
I am secular.
Latin, meaning 'of the age'. Are you truly of the age, Frank?
Or could you just not be arsed aligning yourself to something requiring an effort?
I'll see you tonight.
"Early night" she says. "Finished with me fella," she says.
The social worker's been. I can't believe you've been so stupid.
Stupid? I were that fucking stupid I didn't even know I was having a baby.
I went into hospital thinking I had appendicitis.
Can you believe that?
The nurses laughed at me.
Laughed.
I want my son,
and I don't.
I miss him,
and I can't stand to have him anywhere near me.
I love him...
and I hate him.
Maybe the best thing would be to let him go.
I don't know.
What do I do?
Tonya, I'm not that bright myself.
You just need some help.
Listen, what about the dad?
My dad? He's not allowed anywhere near me.
No, not your dad, the baby's dad.
Don't tell anyone, please.
Don't tell Kelly.
Please, Micky...
for the baby's sake.
For Enrico, please.
OK, I won't.
I'm sorry.
So you should be, you daft sod.
I'll go and get packing.
You've had a reprieve.
Julie's turned a blind eye.
You'll be staying here and as soon as you hit sixteen, the flat's yours.
What about Enrico?
The way Micky's looking after Kanye, you'll have him back by the end of the week.
Go and get showered. You stink of fags and booze. Go on.
BANGING ON DOOR
Kelly.
So where is she then?
I told you to keep your distance.
I'm getting a bit sick of being told what to do.
Now you're going to do some listening. I'm here to stay,
and I want to see my little girl. She's the only family I've got
apart from you and we all know what you are, don't we?
They're moving her.
I'll find her.
Just like I found her when they moved her in with you,
like I found her man, just like I found your mam.
If you fucking hurt her!
What are you going to do?
I'll tell 'em.
You what?
I'll tell 'em!
You tell them and I'll tell them it was down to you.
Me, pissed, you climbing into bed.
I didn't know who you were until it was too late.
Everyone knows what you are
and what you do.
Who do you reckon they'll believe?
♪ Maybe I didn't treat you
♪ Quite as good as I should have... ♪
The skirtings could do with another once over.
Lillian, I've done them three times!
Mistress. Remember, I own you, slave.
It was a charity auction. I'll give you the cash back if...
Trixie!
Have you got any jobs for Carl?
Ooh, have I!
Skirtings, yeah?
I was told I'd be staying in a hotel.
Tell me there's been some terrible mistake
they've dropped us off at the wrong place.
Ah, excuse moi...
Bonjour...
Shit!
There must be another room!
It's packed to the rafters with the faithful and deluded.
We're sharing because they were expecting Libby, not me.
The only thing that got me here was the thought of being neck-deep in a Jacuzzi!
Remind me again why we're here?
For your daughter.
Look, you know and I know there's about as much chance of you walking
as there is me about passing a liver function test.
Oh, come on.
Here, hold this.
It's good for my cataracts.
You haven't got cataracts!
I rest my case.
Fancy a drink?
Oh, Praise the Lord!
Bonjour.
Est-ce que je peux vous aider?
Sister Patrick. Father Francis.
He's deaf. Mute. Here for the cure.
We're just out for a breath of air.
S'il vous plait.
Not at all.
I will pray for you.
We need all the help we can get.
Thank you.
Fucking hell!
Tonya's out with her mates.
Been calling your mobile.
I'm out of credit.
She told me about the Soce.
About her staying with us
till she hits sixteen...
Gets her own flat.
That's on account of the good job you've done with Kanye.
You think it's a good idea?
I mean...
her looking after a kid?
She's still a kid herself.
Maybe...
best thing would be for Enrico
to stay in care
until she feels ready to look after him.
Maybe the best thing would be for her...
maybe if she let him get adopted.
Give him a chance.
She said your dad...
wasn't...
proper with her.
Was he proper with you?
Social are picking him up in an hour.
Hey, you missed a good night last night.
Cracking laugh.
Vodka, straight.
On the hard stuff?
Look, I can take an early tea break...
I'm fine, ta.
Top half in there.
Drink it quick.
Then leave.
In fact,
just get out.
Is this a joke?
I know what you did to your daughters.
I know what you are.
Fuck you.
Oh, Liam. Maybe we should wait.
Until your mum comes back doing the Can-Can?
Oh, ye of little faith.
I'm being cautious.
There are many reasons why him upstairs
might not give us what we want.
The most probable is that there's no him upstairs.
There's not even an upstairs.
How do you get to be so cynical at your age?
How do you get to be so gullible at yours?
It's not gullibility, it's desperation.
I know you understand a lot of things that you shouldn't.
But I hope that's not one of them.
Another thing to look forward to.
If this doesn't work, he'll think I'm an idiot.
You're many things, but you're not an idiot. Now grab the big 'un.
You know Libby expects a miracle, don't you?
She won't get one. Stupid girl.
Quite. Don't know why she thinks as much of you as she does, y'know.
I'm her mother.
Kids are programmed.
Didn't you love yours?
Can't hardly remember her.
Remember loving her. I suppose I still do.
When did you lose her?
I was 12.
Oh.
The head master called me to his office.
Dad was there.
He says...
"Your mum's died." Just like that.
She missed out on all those special years.
Well, they weren't that special.
She didn't stick around and see me...
...slip.
Well, not so much of a slip, more of a fucking... Cresta Run,
downhill slalom, call it what you fucking will.
Maybe if she'd been there it wouldn't have happened.
CHURCH BELLS RING
Fucking... Calling the faithful to their knees.
Hmph.
Fancy joining them?
A pressie from your daughters.
Shit!
Shane? Get to the Jockey toilets quick, I need a hand!
CHOIR SINGING
What I wouldn't give for that kind of faith.
Hmph!
No, there's... there's something happening here, Patty.
No denying it.
It's mass hysteria without the hysterics.
The desperate will try anything.
Praying to a God that doesn't exist being top of the list.
What's... what's happened here, then?
See, that is not the same guy who was just lowered
into that water just now. There's... you know, a change in him.
You can see it.
He feels better because he's been told he will.
Because he wants to.
It's a placebo.
(ALL PRAY IN FRENCH)
Your turn soon.
If you actually think I'm going to participate in this pantomime...
(WOMAN EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH)
MAJESTIC CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC SWELLS
MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY
(THEY ALL MUTTER IN FRENCH)
God! Jesus!
II peut marcher!
Oh! C'est un miracle!
What? Oh, get off me,
you stupid French...
Remember Agincourt?
Hey? Fucking Waterloo?
Waterloo!
(HE MOANS AND STRUGGLES)
Give me a ring when you're done.
Been wondering what to do with you, Homer.
My initial reaction was to kill you straight away.
Too quick.
So I came up with this.
(MUFFLED SHOUTS)
DRILL WHIRRING
I'll get these.
Er... 140 as agreed.
We had a deal.
You're family.
Thanks, bro.
Vodka tonic. Double, please.
Make it two.
Are you OK now?
Cheers, mate.
Good.
Micky, any idea where your dad and brothers have got to?
They had a bit of, er, business to sort in Liverpool. Last minute stuff.
They've been gone hours.
Shane said they might take a quick ferry across the Mersey.
(MIMl) They used to love that when they were kids.
It didn't work.
Did you really expect it to?
Hoped it might.
Welcome back, Mum.
Miss me?
Course.
You've never been a good liar, Libby.
Never been that good at anything, really, have you?
I hope you've something decent in for tea. The French eat anything,
frogs, snails, cheese with maggots in, would you believe!
Hello? Yeah, landed about 10 minutes ago.
(GASPS)
Yeah.
Fuck's she doing now?
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
Mum?
(FRANK) Oh, come on!
I... I thought I saw someone I knew.
Well, home. Now.
Put her in the back.
(PATTY) 'We all desire thiings
'Have goals we can never achieve.
'Winning the Lottery,
'flying to the moon,
'bedding the best looking girl or boy in town.'
There we go.
'But I'd never even tried to make my dreams reality.
'Couldn't bear the thought of failing.'
It was worth a try.
'Couldn't bear to be reminded of just how ordinary I am.'
Ooh, if I were 10 years younger!
'Give me fantasy over reality any day.'
This wedding certificate. It's, er... fake.
And the kids! They're all bastards!
Tell me something I don't know.
We're getting married at 4pm today
whether you like it or not.
Fuck!
Gary.
I think I've fucked it up by telling a few lies.
I'm shagging Paddy Maguire.
You stole my savings. How dare you!
Fucking hell!
I'm not the only one with a secret.
I'm sorry I couldn't make it work.
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