Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given
by 'im upstairs...
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -
to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
Scatter. Party!
www.addic7ed.com
(SIREN WAILS)
Do one!
Run!
Oi!
KELLY:'Choose life. Choose husband.
'Choose fags and slippers.
'Choose a mortgage. Choose a nice house.
'Choose a patterned concrete driveway.
'Choose bedding. Choose ironing. Choose Sunday-morning sex.
'Choose eating a nice meal up a nice tree
'with pictures of nice kittens on,
'sat in front of the telly watching Lark Rise To Fucking Candleford.'
(# IGGY POP: Lust For Life )
♪ With the liquor and drugs And the flesh machine... ♪
'Choose to be part of the mainstream.
'Or don't.
'Don't be part of the mainstream.
'Be apart from it. Don't be respectable.'
Come on!
'Don't flog your guts out paying a mortgage
'on a pile of rotting bricks the bank will repossess.
'Or, if you're lucky, your snot-faced kids will piss up
'against your early gravestone.
'Choose whatever you fucking well want in order to get by.
'To have a laugh and to live, to drink and to screw.
'Not because there's nothing else to do, cocker,
'but because it's what we want to do. Get it?'
♪..Lust for life
♪ Ooh-ooh
♪ Lust for life
♪ Ooh-ooh... ♪
Eyes back in lads. Now.
MIMI: I don't think we've got enough posters up yet.
I'll get some more.
All right, bruv? All right.
Bottle of the fizzy stuff, please, Mimi.
I tell you something,
it's getting too risky, all this moody wedding stuff, you know?
It's only a matter of time before plod pulls one of us. Or both of us.
I reckon it's time we knocked it on the head.
How about I knock you on the head?
No, he's right. Five-0 are getting closer.
Who?
Five-0. Police. (TUTS)
Why don't you just say the fucking police, then?
KELLY: A bit of danger's good.
It's sexy.
It's not like we're making much from it, after all the expenses and that.
That's why we have to do more for less.
We're doing a full day of weddings here.
Doit without us. We're out.
Since when?
There's too much invested to fuck it off now.
All right. One last time.
And that's it.
No more.
And...the final slot's ours.
It's about time I made an honest woman out of Kel.
We're getting wed.
(SIGHS)
I thought she'd have been chuffed.
The only thing you can safely predict
about women is how unpredictable they can be.
Maybe she's on the blob.
Kelly, no. Not for another week.
We have talked about it before, you know. I was the one who was against it, she always seemed dead up for it.
You want my advice? You're better off staying as you are.
I mean, what's the point of wrecking what you've got by getting married -
it's just a piece of paper.
I think it's the way you proposed. You've got to be romantic.
She's right. Women like to feel special, don't they?
Don't worry, son. We'll all give you a hand.
(MUSICAL CHIMES)
Is there anywhere we can talk? Here.
(CHIMING CONTINUES)
Oh, he won't say owt.
Go on.
He's going to propose again.
Youhave to say yes.
(SIGHS)
When me and Shane got together, we told each other everything.
No secrets.
But now...I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye.
But... I can't marry him
if I don't tell him.
(SIGHS)
(PANTING)
It'll destroy him...and you. And you.
I don't want him to suffer.
(WHISPERS)Ditto.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Shane made me a promise tonight.
I clocked off an hour ago. Clock back on.
Well, wash your cock in the sink and throw on a condom.
Bar wench, is, er, Karen around?
You have to deal with us.
Ah, little red-waistcoated, fez-wearing capuchin monkeys
are giving it their all while the grinder of the organ rests.
Pint and two Es? Not giro day today, is it?
Technically, there isn't a giro day any more due to the Government...
Stick it on the slate till next week?
Tea up.
Ah, you're an angel.
I've got a packet of your favourites, too.
Hello, lovely.
Pub closed? Now...
You all right?
Oh, fuckin' pins and needles, or something.
(COUGHS AND WHEEZES)
Tell me there won't be any smoking in here when it's all done.
It's a terrible selfish habit.
(COUGHS)
It'll be your room, Mum.
There'll be no need for you to be in here, will there?
(GUNSHOT)
(MUFFLED SQUEALS)
(SNARLS)
(GROWLS)
(COUGHS)
Couldn't I just have one of the rooms upstairs?
No, no. We'll get this room done. It'll be right.
Make it dead posh, yeah.
Mushroom walls, biscuit carpet.
And if you don't like it, you can eat it.
(CHUCKLES) What is he like?
It'll be no bother doing this room up.
There's a couple of decorators coming round later to do us a quote.
They can be a bit pricey, though.
Very pricey.
Eh, why don't I do it? You?
Yeah, I've painted more houses than Lowry, me.
I told you he'd want to help out. Yeah, I'd want some...cash.
You know, for, um,
materials and that.
How much will you need?
Well, if you want the decent stuff...
Great. It's the masters. They didn't rush it, did they? They had to live.
Painting isn't a hobby, it's a way of life.
Like Francis Bacon. There's a true artist,
surrounded by death,
unafraid of the grotesque.
Fuck me, what's he on?
It would be quicker to tell you what he isn't on.
Yeah? Don't get too close,
you might catch something. It's a bit late for that.
Yeah. Laters.
FRANK: Who wants it? Retribution... >
BOTH:Wanker.
We are carcasses rotting in the midday sun.
Mouths. Vents.
Pain, anguish,
just pouring out. Ooh, fuck's sake... Hello, love.
Oh, I'm just having a pre-work swifter.
Chat with a mate of mine who's in the trade.
(GLASS TUMBLES)
He's very good at papering, but it has to be Anaglypta.
Fucked if it's woodchip, mind you.
It's like Ulysses to him. (CHUCKLING)
Would you like a drink? No.
Dubonnet kiss.
Shot of Dubonnet, half of cider.
Do you think you'll get it all done today?
We'll see how it goes.
You know, it's just about getting the right paint, and that.
I'll make a start tomorrow.
Yeah? Break its back.
OK.
PATTY: OK. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, I'm going to need, um, a bit more cash.
Brushes, and that.
Kel!
Kelly!
Kel?
Marry me.
Kelly-Marie Ball,
be my wife.
What do you say?
WOMAN:Go on, Kel.
Go on. Go on, Kelly.
Go on, Kel.
Kel, go on!
Go on, Kel.
Go on. Come on, Kelly.
Go on!
You know you want to. Kel, come on!
There's something wrong with you.
Girls were throwing themselves underneath me when I were your age.
Beating them off with a shitty stick, I were.
House to yourself, and you've not had one party.
It's fucking potty.
Are you having a party?
Er...
Yes, he is.
Great.
And you're invited.
So, when?
Next...
(COUGHS)
Tonight!Mint!
Laters.
See you in a bit.
Kerching!
OK. Just don't get too hammered. If Kelly comes in...
Sorry I'm late. Brandy, please, Jamie. Double.
OK.Kel?
Hiya, Sophe. I'll just get changed, I'll be right with you.
See you in a minute.
You don't love me any more?
(SCOFFS)
Then why did you say no?
I didn't want to do it like that, Kel, but everyone got involved.
Always the problem -
other people.
And why now, Shane?
Why fix something that ain't broke?
Because it's... Because it shows the world that we're together.
And we need that?!
If you loved me...I do.
Then marry me. Please.
No.
Then that's it?
It's over?
I mean it, Kel.
I do.
OK.
It's over.
Jimmy D's sister Sammy?
She's well into me.
20 quid you don't get off with her tonight.
Let's do it.
KNOCK AT DOOR
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
It's not a problem, is it?
Look at you.
You're like a fucking Arabian prince, or something.
Arabian prince?!
WHOOPING
♪ THE SMITHS: How Soon Is Now?
Go on. Get 'em off.
MUSIC BECOMES DISTORTED
HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE RISES AND FALLS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
♪ I go about things the wrong way
♪ I am human and I need to be loved
♪ Just like anybody else does... ♪
Would you like a booth dance?
Leave it.
She's only doing her job.
Look at him, getting extras.
Shut the fuck up.
Only winding him up.
Oi! You can't do that in here, love. We've got a game on.
It's all right.
Just keep your balls away from me, sweetheart.
It doesn't apply to you, tiger.
Do you fancy a bit of topless?
Yeah.
It's only another tenner.
Treat yourself.
WHISTLING
Fucking...
Get your fucking...
I'll have you! Bastard!
SHOUTING
She's mine. She's fucking mine, you fucking...
OK?!Mine!
"Mine"?! I'm fucking no-one's!
You got that?
Unless I'm fucking paying you, then you're fucking anyone's.
Shane! Come on, son. Come on. Come on.
MUSIC BLARES
Ches, my main dude, what's happening, babe?
Nothing.
Me and blondie are going to have sex.
(GIGGLES)
Hey, come with us. You can spit-roast me, like in the movies.
It's all right, isn't it?
No looking at me knob.
(DJ)...Let's have it. Tune! Tune!
(CHUCKLES)
(MOANING)
Are you feeling left out?
Oh... (GIGGLES)
Ches, what's the matter, baby?
She's off her fucking head, mate.
No!
Stop, this isn't right.
Leave her, man.
(GIGGLING AND MOANING)
Hey, people say we look like sisters. We're actually mother and daughter.
Oh, aye? Which one are you?
Another drink, ladies?
Yes, please.
OK. Give us a hand, son.
What the hell are you playing at, hmm?
Look, son, you deserve better. She's just a whore.
Your words.
Move on.
DOOR SHUTS
Hello?
Just let yourselves in.
Oh, you already have.
He hasn't even started.
Like he was ever going to.
Can't believe you actually thought he would.
Where is he?
Oh! Oh... Argh.
(FRANK) Not a fucking word, right? No jokes about Ironside
or Sandy from Crossroads.
Christine and her Sunday opening hours! 24-hour shopping?!
Not a fucking prayer.
You lot have got it right, open all hours every day. Salaam.
Easy... Oh!
Mugged?
Yeah, every penny.
I'm only sorry I couldn't get the paint for you.
Not just for you, but for her.
A broken ankle, you say?Yeah.
That normally warrants nothing more than a pair of crutches
and you get a wheelchair.
The doctor was extremely specific.
Do not put any weight on the affected foot whatsoever
or you could end up in one of them...for life.
I said, "No, give it to someone who really needs it.
"I'll just struggle on."
There we are.
But he insisted.
So, no weight on it.
And no strenuous exercise. To take it easy.
Shouldn't struggle too much with that.
Anything I can do for you?
Fuck!
(PATTY) Good night, Frank.
You all right, mate?
Where did you get to?
That Sammy bird.
Proper dirty bitch, in't she?
'Ere you are. Check this.
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
SAMMY MOANING
Sent it to a couple of mates already.
Give us your number and I'll send it to you.
I told you to stay away.
She's my sister.
My sister.
MOANING CONTINUES
Where are you off to?
To find Kelly.
It's over, son.
There's nothing you can do to change it.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) He's in his room, go on up.
Look what I won at the fundraising thing down at the community centre.
Well done. Well done, son.
Your dad won't be allowed them, not till he's off his tablets. >
You said they gave you some down at the hospital. Extra-strong painkillers?
You can't go mixing alcohol with prescription drugs.
It could kill you.
We don't want that, do we?
God forbid.
LIBBY: We'd best put them away, then.
My house, my dad.
I'll put them away.
Have you been out? I can't do it.
This "act normal" shit.
DISTORTED: I told you to stay away.
I can give you 60 on it.
Mmm?
(DOOR OPENS)
All right, Ches? Oh, someone got twatted last night.
You could carry your shopping in those bags of yours, mate.
'I told you to stay away.'
(SIREN) 'She's my sister. My sister.
'Itold you to stay away.
'She's my sister. My sister.'
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
I warned Bonehead to stay away from me.
Look, Ches, I was off my head, I didn't know what I was doing.
He filmed us, sent it round. It got to our Jimmy who...
Put him in a coma.
Jimmy has got a suspended on him.
If he gets done for this, he'll be going down for a long time.
Look, I don't need you to tell me to keep my mouth shut.
(MOBILE RINGS)
He's still there.
I think you should just...
He won't go until he's seen you.
(DOOR OPENS)
Kel, I got it wrong.
I know.
I can handle what you do.
I can.
It's just... It's just a job, like you said a million times before.
Honestly, there is not a man on this planet you go with
who could ever make me think any less of you.
(DOOR SHUTS) Oh!
(TV IS ON)
Stick the kettle on, will you, kid?
FRANK: Stay there, son.
If you want a brew, get your own.
How can I be expected to brew up?
Because there is nothing wrong with you.
There's nothing wrong withyou.
How do you know? Fucking professor of quadrapology, are you?
I know a fake when I see one.
Yeah, right back at you.
How dare you!
(COUGHS)
Well, one of you is not telling the truth.
(LAUGHTER)
(WHOOPING)
Give us a bell if he pops in, yeah?
No luck, then?
(SIGHS)
Have you seen our Shane?
I've been calling him all day.
It keeps going straight to voicemail.
Everything all right?
Yeah.
(SIGHS) It's all my fault.
Not entirely.
Despite everything over the years, all that's happened, the piss-taking
and all of it...
..I always thought you and Shane
would end up together, stay together, you know.
(DISTANT ROAR OF JET)
(SIGHS)
(# All Creatures Great And Small theme on TV)
(SIGHS)
(MUMBLES)
Like I said half an hour ago, we've seen this.
No, we haven't. We have.
We haven't.
We've seen this one.
I fu...
(SNIFFS)
Can you smell owt?
Other than you?
Something's burning.
(YELLS)
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
BOTH: Argh!
Fire! Fire!
Help! Help!
Fire! Fire!
Well, thank you very much, Benjamin fucking Button(!)
(COUGHS)
Fuckingchoke.
Please, son, just give us a call, eh?
(DOOR OPENS)
Why?
To hurt you.
We'd all gone out, you me, your brothers.
My sons.
You took the piss out of me, you fucked off...
..hurt me.
I wanted to hurt you.
Congratulations.
The second I sobered up...
I got it wrong.
But you and your brothers left me and...
You don't like being on your own, do you?
Then why push everyone away?
Kids, wife...
..why?
I don't know.
You know, I'm the last one 'ere.
You've done everything to try and get shot of me.
Knocked me down.
Put me down.
Now this.
You've...
You've fucked the woman that I love.
Why would you want to hurt me so much, Dad?
I'm sorry.
Prove it.
Feel the pain I feel.
(SCOFFS)
Shane, you don't know what you're asking.
I do.
This could kill me.
(SIGHS)
(SOBS)
I know what I am.
And I know what I've done.
And I swear... I never wanted to hurt you.
I swear.
I've never loved anyone like I love you.
I'll see you around.
(DOOR SHUTS)
Someone's being painting messages around the estate.
Hands.
Some Asian kid did it, smashed his head in with a baseball bat.
About...
..so high.
I know a couple of people who saw it.
(DOOR CLOSES) What the fu...?!
Ta-da!
Some say it's the colour of happiness.
They're wrong, obviously.
Idid not pick that.
No, I couldn't get the colour you wanted, so I thought
I would give this a go. Just do one wall, see what you thought.
Paint no more!
What? Do you not like it?
I'll never sleep.
Oh, well, you know, if you're going to be like that...
If I even suspected was deliberate...
What? It's like Liam said, it's the colour of happiness.
Cheers, Bob, you're a mate.
(CHUCKLES)
Thought I'd just put a smile on your dear mother's face.
Tough call, I know, but I thought it was worth a try!
I'll be in the pub if you need me, hacking me ear off.
Fuck!
What if he finds out? He won't. We give them the info and that's it.
I don't know, but if we go in there, they might nick us
for being accessories, or summat.
(MOBILE BEEPS)
Hey, you better check that.
(CHUCKLES)
CHES: What? What is it?
Liam!
It's not mine!
Get off me!
Lads?
Nice kid, in't he?
I don't ever want to see your faces round Chatsworth again.
You got it?
Now...
go on. Off you fuck.
(CAR ENGINE STOPS, DOORS OPEN)
Oi! We've got 17 weddings booked.
17 grooms and one waiting for a blushing bride - you.
(# MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March)
You said you never loved anyone like you loved me.
Marry me.
( # I AM KLOOT: Ferris Wheels)
♪I don't know who I am
♪ I don't know who you are
♪ But when I touch your hand
♪ I see shooting stars
♪ I see Ferris wheels
♪ Curling walls of steel
♪ And light
♪ The long-distance call
♪ Over twisted wires
♪ Some last heartfelt words
♪ Caller on the line
♪ We speak through satellites
♪ That hang like the stars at night
♪ In the sky... ♪
KELLY: 'You trip along through life
'minding your own business, until one day - bang! -
'someone steps in front of you, stops you in your tracks,
'leans in to kiss you and rips your heart right out of your chest.
'And it's all right, you know.
'It doesn't hurt. Not at first.
'Not so long as they look after it
'and maybe give you theirs in return.'
♪..I don't know who I am... ♪
KELLY: 'And you might be lucky that the last person to rip your heart out
'is the one who'll look after it -
'the one who'll wrap it in tissue paper and tinsel...'
♪..I see shooting stars... ♪
'..and stars.'
♪..I see Ferris wheels
♪..Curling walls of steel... ♪
'Being married means you join a club.
'You see a load of other people with rings on their fingers and you go,
'"Oh, yeah! I did that!"
'I've stood up in front of the world
'and told someone that I love them
'and I wanted to be with them for the rest of my life.
'And it really doesn't matter how you do it,
'when or where you do it,
'just as long as there's truth and honesty.
'If there's no truth and honesty,
'there'd be neither love... nor beauty.'
♪..We speak through satellites
♪ That hang like the stars at night
♪ In the sky
♪ In the sky... ♪
www.addic7ed.com
We'll make films of our situation. Best one gets a grand
and a free trip to Hollingwood.
Carl and Chesney are wanted!
For what?Murder.
Now that will get a party going. (CHEERING)
You, sit down.
(LAUGHS)
In there, hurry up!
What is it with you and my family?
You all right, Liam?
Are you all right, eh?