(Whimsical music)
Fellow Omniscients.
Please everyone come to order please.
Thank you.
As the chart demonstrates the beta four life forms
continue to outperform expectations.
Kudos to Omniscient Brawd
for her sublime effective design and guidance.
- [Brawd] Thank you, Rawd, thank you all.
- [Rawd] The Tiburon system.
When we last convened,
Tiburon sun had prematurely failed.
(zapping)
Omniscient Tawd has worked tirelessly
towards re-firing his problematic sun.
With continued dedication recovery looks promising.
- [Tawd] Thanks, Rawd, we do what we can.
(applause)
- Sol Three, also known as Earth.
We had high hopes for this system.
Abundant resources and an ideal location
gave way to a vast array of lifeforms,
the dominant of these being the human.
Sadly this biped was prone to violence,
and developed myriad conflicting belief systems.
- Fellow Omniscients, if I might jump in,
what is most troubling about this planet,
is that the species has continued to excel technologically,
but they have stalled spiritually,
adhering to centuries-old dogmas that endorse violence
as condoned by divergent deities.
It is because of this dichotomy,
and subsequent real danger of planetary failure,
that I petition the council again today
to consider removing the Omniscient in charge,
reallocate the sun, eradicate the human,
and reseed the planet with a more manageable life form.
- Who is assigned to their region?
- Earth, and the entire nebula quadrant are assigned,
to Gawd,
who evidently was unable to join us today.
(screeching rock music)
- [Tawd] Gawd?
- [Brawd] Gawd.
- [Tawd] Gawd!
- Huh?
- [Tawd] Your fellow Omniscients wish you
to address Council.
- We're in the middle of band practice.
- I petition the council to remove your design
and assign me your planet.
- Tawd, are you still embarrassed
'cause you can't keep your sun lit?
(band giggling)
- Gawd, the Council of Omniscients has voted to let you go.
- [Tawd] What do you think you're doing?
- [Gawd] I'm going to Earth, re-connect with humanity.
- Seriously Gawd, your humans don't even know
how to spell your name.
- [Gawd] Then I'll remind them.
- [Brawd] An Earth visit would require you
to take physical form.
You'd be vulnerable as any other mortal.
- [Gawd] Well, you can't make wine without
stomping on a few grapes.
- [Rawd] Very well, you have 365 Earth rotations.
Choose wisely.
(Gawd groaning)
- Ah.
Oh.
- [Tawd] Time is limited, Gawd.
The end is nigh.
- Seriously, I just got here.
- [Tawd] Not gonna get anything done
lying around in the garbage.
(lighthearted music)
(zipper unzipping)
- Ah.
Whoo.
- [Tawd] The human form is a feeble, inferior design.
- Oh, like you could handle a prostate
in the middle of a gravity field.
I don't think so, Tawd.
Oh.
- [Tawd] Don't you think it's time you let go?
- [Gawd] Lucy!
- [Man] Then what about that nada roll?
Is that real fish?
- It's all real, just no fish.
What'd fish ever do to you?
- [Tawd] Lucy!
- Too late, we closed.
("A Little Piece of Heaven" by Mystiiq)
*she's just an angel.
* A little piece of heaven, a little piece of heaven
* Well a little piece of heaven fell from the sky tonight
* A little piece of heaven, a little piece of heaven
* Well a little piece of heaven fell from the sky tonight
* Slap me upside the head, cause I'm just a fool
* Struck by lucky lightning.
* And if it's a dream
* I don't want to know
* No I never wanna wake up.
* I'd rather fill my mind with silly notions
* Gonna waste my time just goin through the motions
- [Gawd] If you could do the same thing,
it's not, it's not that hard to do.
*There you are
* A little piece of heaven
- [Gawd] All you have to do--
- Boss, where you been?
I've been looking everywhere!
- Lucy
- No way Jose, you stink.
- I know, isn't it wonderful?
- Egh!
- [Gawd] I love these smells.
- No, let's go.
- [Gawd] Where we going?
- No, you stinky.
- [Gawd] I was just talking to Tawd.
- Aw, Boss!
(police siren chirps)
Uh-oh.
- [Announcer] Two hookers,
(woman yelling)
Fifteen minutes of fame
Living in the only town they could
Hoe-llywood.
- [Hookers] Frisky Bid'ness.
- [Announcer] It's always time for Frisky Bid'ss.
- I swear to Gawd if those are my earrings,
I'm gonna bust a nut
- And she's like, uh if you sold my earrings,
I'm gonna bust your nut!
I was like, but what is bust a nut?
I'm not gonna wear some strip--
(buzzer buzzing)
(door slamming)
The only man that's been busted around here is
your boyfriend in my bed.
- Hey, Luce.
- Hi, Boss.
- Hey, okay, here's the plan.
Luce.
- [Lucy] Oh, hey Boss.
- What are you watching?
- Frisky Bid'ness.
She bust a nut!
- You just gave me an idea.
- You wanna bust a nut?
- Is it fun?
- Huge time.
- But I need some new clothes first.
- Maybe scrub it up too.
- Give me back my (beep) earrings.
For much (beep) she just seems way happier
than the normal, you know.
(lighthearted music)
- Ah, it's missing something.
Let me see those pictures again.
Let's see.
Eh.
(chuckles)
Eh.
I don't need those.
(lighthearted music)
(tires screeching)
("This Little Light of Mine" Gospel Musi
* This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine
- I'm Gawd.
* This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
- I'm Renee Barge, coming to you live from the City of Angels,
where we bring you the biggest stars
and the hottest,
excuse me, can I help you?
- [Security Guard] Hey you, you can't be in here!
* Well, well, This little light of mine,
*I'm gonna let it shine
- Does anybody know, uh...
- I'm Gawd.
- [Officer] Step away from the car, sir.
*
* Let it shine...
- I'm Gawd, I have come, whoa!
- Hey, sir, there is no message, this is my cameraman.
- A famine here in the Southland.
- [Gawd] Hey, guys, what's up, man?
(Turtle screams in pai
- [Turtle] Get away from me man!
- [Gorilla] Hey, what the hell's a matter with you?
(arguing amongst themselves)
(sirens wailing)
(screaming)
- In the hot tub, and then I can see this like,
thing floating
- [Woman] Oh, my god, oh, my god!
- [Woman] You know, it's called a sanitary napkin
for a reason, it's sanitary
At least you won't cock block me tonight
- It's not a cock block, it's a cock not.
It's like being on your period is gonna stop you
from hopping on every wiener in that room.
- Hey, Luce.
- Boss, don't cock block.
- Huh?
- You get in the way.
- Hey, my homies s that if I wanna get on TV,
I need something called a sizzle reels.
Do we have a camera?
- Huh?
- Hello my children.
It's so nice to be here today talking to you this way.
Do you know who I am?
Well it's okay if you don't,
because it's been quite a while.
- [Tawd] You treat them like childr.
They'll behave like children.
- Hey, will you pipe down?
I can't hear myself think!
- Stupid Tawd, big mouth.
- [Gawd] Sorry about that.
Now, I know, some of you feel like Gawd deserted you.
- [Lady] Maddie?
(phone ringing)
(brakes squealing)
- Bust a nut, Boss.
Oh!
- Hey.
I've got an idea.
Let's take another hooker, put her in Detroit.
We'll call it, Sex in the Shitty.
Come on, people.
I passed up a colonoscopy to be here today,
so somebody better make this worth my while.
You all went to college, right?
- Someone has a special delivery.
A singing telegram, remember these?
- I do, yes.
And whoever it's for, you're fired.
- I'm here to see you.
- [Jeffrey] Me, why?
- I'm Gawd,
and I wanna be on TV.
I have a sizzle reel.
(chuckles)
- Okay.
If you're Gawd, why do you need me?
Why don't you take that magic curtain rod,
and ah (mimics lightning).
- Well I can't do that while I'm in physical form on Earth.
It doesn't work that way.
(sighing)
- I could be sedated right now,
with a camera up my ass.
(security radio chattering)
- Will you come with me, sir?
- [Gawd] Okay, see ya.
- [Guard] Hey, come back here.
- I'm sorry Mr. Stegall, he seemed harmless.
Programming can't find tonight's episode,
of Give Me a Wacky Deal.
- Is it any wonder why our business is in the toilet?
- Oh.
Give Me a Wacky Deal.
Oh, thank Gawd!
- Oo
- [Gawd] Tawd must have destroyed the world because...
- [Hooker] My favorite plan of all the plans is a Cacti.
- [Hooker] She loves anything that looks like a ck
and looks a little rough.
- Well, this oughta do the trick.
Hey.
It's a cock block.
For you know who.
Ever since they put it on, I can't hear him.
Tawd?
Hmm, nothing.
- Hmm, cock blocks look different than I thought.
How we getting on TV today?
- My homies say that TV is feces,
and that we should bypass the man
and podcast on the YouTubes.
Do we know a geek with a computer?
- [Man] My store's called Weed Master,
My store's called Weed Master and it'd be really nice
to get outta this garage
but I still need a lease deposit of like nine grand.
- [Man] Hey, what do you have to smoke right now?
- Sometimes the old school strains like Maui Waui
will kick you like a mule man.
(loud bangin
- [Man] Whoa, what was that?
- Yeah, hold on one second.
(garage door whirring)
- You little rascal you.
- Shh!
- Let me calyou back.
- Can I help you guys or something?
- Yeah, I wanna buy a geek.
- A what now?
- A geek.
You know, to podcast.
- I'm not sure I understand.
- I wanna podcast to humanity because TV is feces.
My friend says you used to be a genius.
Ow.
- Well, after Jobs died, Apple started drug testing.
- Hmm, Jobs, Apple, very biblical.
- Duct tape.
- Oh, and we need some duck tape.
- Ha ha ha, I don't sell duct tape, man.
By the way, it's duct tape, with a T.
- No, I meant duck tape, for ducks.
Okay, how much currency would it require
for you to bring your computer
and help us podcast on the YouTubes?
- Um...
$9,000.
(Lucy gasps)
- What color duck tape were you looking for?
- [Woman] Dad?
(gasping)
- [TV Announcer] Later on DAG,
Jay-ho gets down and dirty on Frisky Bid'ness.
Up next, people will do anything for money,
on Gimme a Wacky Deal.
(wom sobbing)
- [Gawd] Hello my children.
It's so nice to be here today talking to you this way.
Do you know who I am?
- Why?
- [Gawd] It's okay if you don't,
'cause it's been quite a while.
- Answer me, goddammit!
- [Gawd] Hey, will you pipe down!
Can't hear myself think!
- [Lucy] Stupid Tawd, big mouth.
- Sorry about that.
Now, I know some of you feel like I've deserted you.
And some of you don't even believe that I exist.
That is good.
This is how I created you.
This is free will.
I hear all your prayers,
each and every one,
because I am you.
You see, there's great change afoot.
Ow!
- [Lucy] Gawd, I told you, wear shoes!
Do you wanna go to the hospital now?
(chuckles)
- Watch the road.
(Lucy giggles)
(loud banging)
(lighthearted music)
- Ka$h Money.
She's allergic to beans.
- No accidents, right Boss?
- You got that right, honey.
(distant horns honking)
- [Gawd] Door's open in the back.
- Hello?
(light, playful music)
Jesus.
- No, Ka$h Money.
Thirsty?
- What is this place?
- Lucy's pad.
- She lives in an abandoned porn theater?
(distant ducks quacking)
- Oh, hang on a second.
(light, playful music)
(Ka$h Money groaning)
- What the hell?
- Hell does not exist.
It was an invention by the early church
to control the people by fear.
- Why are you giving this woman
an IV with a dead fish in it?
- [Lucy] He's not dead, he's sleeping!
(ducks quacking)
- Holy shit!
- You know, I've never understood that phrase.
- Wha, wha, what was that?
- A duck.
- No, the midgety thing.
- Ooh, someone needs some sensitivity training.
- You're weird, I'm outta here.
- You're weiGah-oh! outta here.
- Damn, I feel good.
- Lucy, Ka$h Money's awake.
Come on, I wanna show you something.
Come on.
(light, playful music)
(ducks quacking)
- What is going on?
- They're trying to get their ducks in a row.
Hey Steve,on't waste it.
Just help Steve with the other end.
Oh, we're gonna need more tape.
- Wait, they're both named Steve?
- They're all named Steve.
- And, how do they know which one you're talking to?
- They just do.
- Yeah.
- And what are they?
- They're my helpers.
You know, some faith call them cherubs.
You know, baby angels?
- I thought angels had wings.
- Ha, now you're being silly.
Why would they need ducks?
(ducks quacking)
- Etienne, you tell Standards and Practices
they can blow me.
What's the problem anyway?
- All programming must be filed with the FCC before air.
This wasn't.
- [Stephanie] Ah, Mr. Stegall?
- Lawyers.
Stephanie,
what part of do not disturb don't you understand?
- [Stephanie] Well, I thought--
- No, you didn't think, that's just it.
You didn't think to check the DVD
before you let some lunatic hijack my broadcast!
- [Stephanie] Holly Abrams is here to see you.
She says to take that stupid look off your face.
- Send her in.
Thought you mighta jumped off a bridge or something.
- Almost.
- Etienne, give us a minute.
- Ugh, okay.
- What?
- You might not wanna cross state lines with that one.
- You didn't have to get all gussied up to come see me.
You know, you could have just returned my phone calls.
So, you ready to jump back aboard
the luxury liner?
- Yeah, no thank
That boat visits way too many ports.
- Sounds like the rudder controlling the ship.
- Can we lose the maritime lingo?
You ran a promo last night,
totally different than your trademark imbecilic brain rot.
- Business as usual.
Which one, toots?
- The kitschy homemade-looking clip.
Gawd as a flawed but well-intentioned--
- Uh, hold it right there, hot pants.
You thought that stunt last night was intentional?
(chuckles)
- You're not behind it?
- Behind it?
Some lunatic, along with the help of that idiot,
hijacked my broadcast.
- Ah, I should have known it was too good to be you.
- Oh wait a second, now wait, wait, wait, wait, come on.
Don't go, let's have a drink, catch up.
- You are so transparent.
- And you are so opaque.
Makes it really hard to see your thong.
- Ugh.
Oink.
- Etienne, come in here a minute.
- Mr. Stegall has no comment on last night's,
well whatever it was.
Thank u.
- Hey Stephanie?
What do you know about last night?
- Why?
(phone ringing)
Ugh, these phones have been going crazy
ever since last night when Jeffrey had that--
- Eh!
You know what, Stegall's a schmuck.
He's got a hit on his hands and he has no idea.
- You think so?
I liked it, too.
You should have met him.
Handsome.
- Well, do you know anything more about him?
Like, where he came from?
What's in it for me?
- This turns into something,
I'll hire you away from this asshole.
- Hmm.
- How do you feel about vegan sushi?
- Vegan sushi?
Really?
All right, my treat, come on.
(phone ringing)
"Assman" by Stankfngr
* I need some ass.
* Ass man, ass man, gotta get that ass man.
*
- How's that for bigger than life?
- Huge, hi Ka$h Money, I'm Gawd.
(knocking)
See?
- Excuse me?
- Did you not recently demand that I answer you?
Well, welcome to your answer.
And that goes for all of you, too.
- How much do the answer to my prayers pay?
(gasping)
- $9,000.
- I'm in.
- All right, you some rich Saudi prince or what?
- He Gawd.
- Yeah, I'm Gawd.
- Is there somewhere we can talk?
- We're talking now.
- I'm referring to you TV concept.
- Well, I was told TV is feces.
No, we're gonna create an entertainment extravaganza
that's gonna reconnect all of humanity,
on the YouTubes.
- Is this a porn thing?
- Okay look, I produce TV.
Let me take your idea to the networks.
An Internet show is a little nuh,
rinky-dink from me.
- Rinky-dink.
- [Gawd] Jay, how many viewers are on the YouTubes?
- YouTube, there's no S.
Two billion unique visitors every day.
- [Gawd] Two billion a day, now that's an audience.
- Okay, you have a good idea here
and there are plenty of disillusioned people
that could use a good laugh,
but please just don't be an idiot.
Call me if you wanna get serious, okay?
- Holly, we're bypassing the man.
That ship visits too many ports.
- He's Gawd.
- How 'bout this.
You agree to help me out,
get us up and running on the YouTubes.
- [Ka$h and J] There's no the either.
- And in exchange, you get all TV rights.
- What you're proposing is expensive.
How would you pay for production?
- $9,000.
- Not nearly enough.
- $9,000.
- [Holly] I'm gonna need more than that.
- $9,000.
(chuckles)
- Okay.
We are going to need some serious manpower
to get this place cleaned up and rigged.
- Well, how do you feel about boy power?
- That sous kinda gay.
- Whadda ya say, weedmaster69?
- Psychic ability doesn't make you any less douchey.
I don't do colts, or porn,
or delivery mysterious packages,
or traffic human organs,
or smuggle heroin up my ass,
or do any other weird shit you're gonna a me to do.
- Deal!
Now, how wants to bust a nut?
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
"50 Bucks" by LUU
* Dear God! I've been living on prayers for so long
* I been wasting money, spending borrowed time.
* Dear God! Time is money,
* Dear God! Love is nuts
* Dear God! Time is money,
* Dear God! Death and taxes
* Dear God! Blood and gut
* I traded my soul, street value 50 bucks.
* But this interest won't accrue
* These prayers * That's not what I mean
* But you know what I meant
* Dear Go
(drum and tuba music)
* It's Gawd
- Guys!
That is quite possibly the worst song I've ever heard.
- You know what's worse?
Those wings look ridiculous.
You can see the straps!
- You tell 'em Ka$h Money.
Angels with wings,
where do you guys come up with this stuff?
Hey Steve, can I have one?
Thank you.
- [Electronic voice] Gumball!
(electronic beeping)
- Gumball gun. (chuckles)
- What is that?
- It's a cock block.
- Are you on parole, man?
- Nah, I had a little run in with a turtle and a monkey.
- A run in?
What does that even mean?
- Wow, cool letters.
Where'd they come from?
- [Gawd] Uh, Lucy found them.
(balloon pops)
- [Lucy] Huh, oh geez.
- Hey, don't over inflate them, guys.
We don't have many of those left.
(church bell tolling)
- Live from Earth!
It's Gawd!
* It's Gawd
- Give me a wide shot of the band on camera two.
Camera one tight on my mark.
Camera three medium on cast.
Lucy, standby to cue the Puba.
Raise the audience applause a bit
- Featuring the It's Gawd band, Gawd Spam.
And me, your co-host, Bootalicious.
Put your hands together for the big dog, y'all.
Your holy host.
It's Gawd!
- Hey, thank you, thank you, thank y,
thank you very much.
Thank you, please, please.
Please allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Gawd, and I'm here to help you to help yourselves
and to save the planet.
- Amen, my brother.
("I'll Be There" by Jonathan Clark)
* Heaven is in your eyes tonight.
* It's like falling insidef a dream
* And it's so real
* The way you're holding me just feels so right
* I believe, a heart can heal
* Y will see that I'll be there anytime
* You call out my name, I'll be there.
- So let me get this straight.
Cherubs are just baby angels
all named Steve who hang out with ducks
whose only job is to help people?
- I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
- You're on the lam from the nut house.
(laughing)
- There is no secret.
This is it.
This is how it works.
- And your full name's really Cassius Clay.
- [Ka$h] Yup.
- Like the boxer.
Kind of a dude's name.
- Have you ever heard a song on the radio
that had just the right lyrics
for just the right time?
Do you think that's accidental?
- So you saying there's no accidents.
I believe in that.
- Like running Muhammad Ali here over
with the sushi wagon.
- See, that's what angels do, don't you see?
If that hadn't happened,
Ka$h wouldn't beere
and Lucy wouldn't have been able to cure
her bean allergy.
- I'm allergic to bees.
- Float like a butterfly, sting like a bean.
Eh, doesn't quite have the same panache.
- It's a long way down to Chinatown.
I sampled some of her sushi.
Yuck.
- Lucy isn't here just to sell sushi.
You see, we can only passively interfere
with what you call time.
We can't intervene directly.
Let me put it to you this way.
A guy's on his way to McDonald's.
He sees Lucy's sushi truck,
so he stops and buys a make tuna roll instead.
- She intervenes by giving people diarrhea?
- No, she interrupts the course of events.
A mere 30 seconds could change the course
of an entire lifetime.
- You're gonna make your leg bleed, bro.
- Okay, there.
For every action, a million new reactions.
(coin tinkling)
(glass shattering)
(car alarm wailing)
- Man, if you really were God,
I'd be seriously terrified right now.
(laughing)
- [Steve] Come on, come on.
- Okay, look, I get it, darling.
It sounds hilarious, but I can't put that on my air.
would crucify me. h
- Just take a look at the clip before you make up your mind.
- Look, I know that you've been to hell and back
and I admire your strength,
but I can't broadcast your beef with God on my air.
I'm sorry, Holly.
It was good to see you.
- Yeah.
(phone buzzing)
- Ha ha, busted.
Oh, boy.
NBC didn't bite?
Charles Manson's pitching a sitcom.
- Shouldn't you and your girlfriend be
getting ready for prom?
- God, wouldn't that be something?
Then you really would have somebody to blame.
- Oh yeah, well, I have somebody to blame.
- So that's what this is about?
You're blaming me?
- Please go away.
- I was unfaithful
and I'm sorry that you witnessed it.
That was unfortunate,
but we both made our mistakes, didn't we?
Hmm?
Holly, shit happens.
Get over it.
- Well, excuse me for failing to implement
your shit happens methodology
in coping with loss.
Heartless prick.
(phone chiming)
- Hello.
Not until two o'clock.
Make him disappear.
- Bye, Jeffrey.
Ba-bye.
- Well, I just-- - You can go now.
- [Gawd] Well, you look like you're carrying a heavy load.
Anything you care to confess?
- [Stephanie] I think you got the wrong religion.
- Religion?
Oh, they're all wrong, relatively speaking.
You know, we don't get many like you in here.
- At 10 bucks for a root beer, I can see why.
Here's a confession for you.
I'm only a man.
Actually, I'm worse.
- Son of Gawd?
There's no such thing as better or worse in my eyes.
You simply are.
And that's a miracle.
(dramatic music)
Hey!
I'm not gonna tell you again.
We don't serve folklore in here.
Now get the hell out of here.
- Hmm.
- Superstition.
- Oy vey.
(audience laughing)
- What if we do a bit where Jesus
walks into a bar.
- Not every joke involves a guy walking into a bar, Puba.
- No, but the good ones do.
- Pretty Chinese-looking for a Jesus.
- Pot, kettle black.
Supposedly my ma grew up in Mexico.
You know, they love that name out there.
- Hey, you know, Lucy's half Mexican.
- [J] And half totally confused?
- And half angel.
- Ah, so that makes her a Mex-angel.
- Angelican.
- Touche, I like that better.
- I got blowed up.
- Yeah, she was stationed in Mexico
when Little Boy hit.
Angels from all over the planet rushed to Japan,
Lucy included.
- Little Boy?
- The first nuclear bomb the Americans
dropped on Hiroshima was named Little Boy
- Why would anyone rush anywhere near
a nuclear detonation?
- To help with the transition.
That's what angels do.
A 100,000 people expired in a blink of an eye.
When you get that many souls crossing over
during a nuclear reaction, no less,
things get pretty whacky.
Lucy fusedith the soul of a teenaged
Japanese girl.
- I got blowed up.
- Sorry to change the subject,
but guys, the stage is still too dark.
It needs more light.
- Okay, seriously?
How does she keep doing that?
- The law of attraction.
- Oh, don't you start on me now, too.
- Lucy believes she can.
And if she believes she can, then she can.
You can have anything if you truly believe it.
- That's retarded.
- - Well, try it..
And if you don't believe it'll happen, it won't.
See, that's the thing about the universe.
It delivers exactly what you believe to be true.
- Oh, right.
So I somehow believed my mom would die in childbirth?
- No, but maybe it's about what she believes.
- Has he been watching Dr. Phil?
(chuckles)
- Let me ask you a question.
What if life was like a video game?
When it's over you could just play again.
Would your mom's death been such a big deal then?
- Not for her maybe.
But 18 years in the child welfare system
really sucked balls, man.
- [Lucy] Sucked balls.
- What happened to your dad?
- Split before I was born.
- So tell us, Puba.
Where's your divinity there?
- All over.
What if J's mom wanted to give him
something that she couldn't give him
when she was alive?
I tell ya, there are no accidents.
Only miracles.
It's a miracle that we're here tonight.
You have to be willing to take the red pill.
Are you wiing to take the red pill, weed meister?
- That's a hot tamale, Morpheus.
- Oh, a guy was handing these out today.
Griffith Park Bible study.
God spoken here.
I gotta here that.
- Well, I think we should get started in 15, don't you?
- Sounds good.
- Hey, you made it.
- [Gawd] Hi.
That's quite the apparatus.
- Yeah, I'm looking forward to this.
- Hmm.
Oh.
I think your friend's seen better days.
Your fish is dead.
- Oh, he not dead.
He sleeping.
- Oh, listen.
No big deal, but you spelled my name wrong.
Next time.
Hey.
- Come on in.
(chuckles)
- "Then the anointed priest shall take
"some of the bull's blood.
"He is to p his finger into the blood
"and sprinkle some of it seven times unto the Lord.
"The rest of the bull's blood he shall pour out
"at the base of the altar of burnt offering.
"The fat that covers the inner parts,
"both kidneys with the fat on them ar the loins,
"which he will remove with the kidneys."
- Oh, yuck.
Is this from the Bible or Saw III?
- The Old Testament can be quite grizzly at times.
That is why our Lord God gave the gift of Jesus.
Would you open up yo bibles to
Galatians chapter three.
If you don't have one, ask your neighbor.
They can share.
"Before this faith came,
"we were held prisoners by the law.
"So the law s put in charge to lead us to Christ
"that we might be justified by faith."
- I don't get it.
- Look, Gawd.
God often asks us to do things that
wouldn't normally do.
- Like how?
- Well, like making sacrifices,
like giving something up at Lent
or how he even asked Abraham to kill his own son Isaac.
- Yeah, but that didn't really happen.
- That is true.
As we all know, God intervened and stopped Abraham.
- I mean, the whole story didn't really happen.
- Yes, it did.
- Uh-uh.
- Of course it happened.
- Uh-uh.
- Indeed it did.
- No, it didn't.
Come on, what kind of monster would ask
someone to kill their own kid?
Thou shalt not kill except you, Abe?
Thou shalt kill sothing because
I'm insecure and I need to test your love for me?
Although I should probably already know that
if I'm God and all.
It's pretty twisted.
You guys don't actually believe this story
literally, do you?
- The literal accuracy of the Bible is not
the issue here.
These stories provide divine guidance and morality.
- What, like how to slice up cattle
and play head games th people you love?
Guys, it's me.
I'm threal deal.
And I didn't write that.
- I think that's enough, Gawd.
- See, if I'm all-knowing,
I don't need to test you because I already knowhe answer.
- I said enough!
Who do you think you are?
Mocking us,
coming in here demeaning Christ,
myself,
all of these people?
I think it's time that you and your friends leave.
- [Gawd] Come on, let's go.
- [J] No, that was outstanding, man.
You totally nailed those Bible bangers.
- Oh, I was just pointing out contradictions
within the text that is often used to
justify violence and judgment
and condemnation.
("Judgment Day" by LUU)
* Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah
*
* Hit the street to stretch mysf
* underneath a peacock sky
*Everything is perfect if
*If I wanted I could fly
* But the peoplpassing by
* are staring off into space
* namaste on judgement day
(church bell tolling
- Now, if you look at this chart,
it clearly shows--
- It shows nothing saved that your humangel can't spell.
Your violence numbers are still off the charts.
And why can't I reach you down there?
- What are your plans from here?
- Oh, syndication.
- [Tawd] What is syndication?
- Syndication is what all my homies watch.
- How much longer do we need to entertain this charade?
- Well, you gave me a year.
I still have 64 rotations left.
- I don't see how there's any possible way
you can turn this around in that amount of time.
- Well, you know what they say.
No wine before it's time.
- [J] I still don't get it.
Why would your dad call you Cassius Clay?
- Cassius Clay was a white abolitionist
and Cassius Clay the boxer was named after him,
but changed his name to Muhammad Ali.
- Why?
- He joined the Nation of Islam.
- Oh, so it's Cassius Clay, the girl.
Chill, sweet sirens.
- My dad wanted a son.
- I like Ka$h Money better anyway.
- Anything that doesn't get me punched works for me.
Oh my God!
- Oh shit!
- Oh my God!
- Oh shoot!
Oh, oh!
Oh my God.
They're not breathing!
Call 911!
- I don't have my phone!
- Aw, shit, me neither.
Ah, shit!
Do you know CPR?
We're gonna have to fake it.
(dramatic music)
- Hey, the planet is eight billion years old.
If you want me to turn water into wine,
it's gonna take some time.
- What is it with you and the wine parable
(gasping)
Is there a problem?
(gasping)
- Come on, come on, come on.
(gasping)
- Lucy?
Are you okay?
(gasping)
- [Tawd] You can't just state your planet's fate
by ignoring me, Gawd.
(gasping)
Time to grow up.
(gasping)
You're not cut out for this kind of work.
- [J] She's not responding.
She's not breathing.
- Nothing here, either.
I'm gonna have to call the ambulance.
- Come on, J.
(screaming)
Ah!
(grunting)
- What happened?
(screaming)
- What?
- I thought you were dead!
- Heavens no.
I was at Council.
- I think I'm turned on.
- [Tawd] Hey, Steve, can I see you for a minute?
I heard about your eyes down there
with all that nasty sunlight.
You should wear these to protect them.
There you go.
Aw, yeah, these are gonna be great.
(sighing)
- Still the finest legs in the fleet.
- Only you would hit on me in a cemetery.
- Oink.
- How'd you know I'd be here?
- Well, where else would you be?
- Thank u
for remembering.
- I'm not the heartless bastard you think I am.
You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars.
So how much?
- How much what?
- How much to keep you from putting me out of business?
(scoffing)
- I'm not discussing business
at my daughter's grave, Jeffrey.
- You stole my assistant.
You didn't think I would figure out what was going on?
("Always be me to you") by Peter Himmelman
*
* A person is a giant to an ant
* A rock is a mountain to a bee
* A puddle is an ocean to a baby inch worm
* But you'll always be you to me
- We do exactly what we've been doing
DAG is simply gonna simulcast our feed.
The only thing that changes is we get more exposure.
- Does that mean I have to tolerate
Jeffrey's abuse again?
(chuckles)
- Nope.
You work for the show now.
- And what's he think?
Never mind.
- They just delivered half a dozen of these.
And they weigh a ton.
Somebody please tell me that's not anthrax
that just got all over me.
- It's just flour.
You know, for the wizard of Eden sketch?
- What's the matter with Steve?
- Hey, Steve.
You okay?
- [Ka$sh Money] Those look ridiculous.
- [Gawd] Hmm, hmm.
- Boss.
Boss, you're late for dance rehearsal.
- Hey, Luce, what time is Frisky Bid'ness on?
- It's always time for Frisky Bid'ness, boss.
- Well, Steve here might enjoy it.
- Okay, boss.
- What?
(laughing)
What?
"Little Piece of Heaven" by Mytiiq
- Five, six, seven, eight.
*
- You look, um, really good.
Well, you know, I mean,
I like your outfit.
It's, it's nice.
- [Both] I'm sorry about...
- Oh, do you wanna go?
(clearing throat)
I thought you were dead.
- I thought you tried to bust a nut.
(chuckles)
- He sure likes to sleep a lot.
- Boss said rest up.
A big job is coming.
- Right. (chuckles)
What's with his bad taste in music?
- Yeah, it's pretty stinky.
* She's a little piece of heaven
* A little piece of heaven
* Well a little piece of heen
* Fell from the sky
* A little piece of heaven
*came into my life
* a little piece of heaven
* Fell from the sky tonight.
*add libs
- [Woman] You know what?
Haveome class.
This is Mozart.
Learn something.
- More like Hoe-zart.
* Mozart, Mozart, Mozart
* Is so classy
* So classy, you're so trashy
* Look at this gay..
- [Hooker] Hey, you did, too!
- [Announcer] Be sure to catch the girls
debate the classics next time on Frisky Bid'ness.
Next up, find out if this cowardly kitty
is any match for an angry burning bush.
On the network premier of the wacky new comedy It's Gawd!
Only on DAG.
*whimsical musi
- I gotta stop.
These steel-toed shoes are killing me.
- You should be glad you have shoes.
- I'm starving, y'all.
(angelic harp music)
That's what I'm talkin' about.
(apple crunching)
- Who goes there? (thunder clapping)
- Who said that?
- Bush.
- We're off to see the wizard.
- Thou shalt have no other wizards before me.
And whatever you do, do not eat the apples
hanging on the tree over there.
Oh, now you've done it.
You've forced me to damn you
and your offspring forever
to ignorance, death, and a lot of other bad things.
And oh, you're gonna have to wear clothes
from now o
- Hey, I already got metal pants.
What do you want from me?
- What you go puttin' the tree there for
if you didn't want us to eat?
- You are imperfect beings
made in the image and like.
- Wait a second.
You crea us imperfect,
then demand perfection,
then damn us when we screw up?
- Hold up a sec.
I didn't eat any apples.
- Watch it, tin lips.
I wi dent you.
- It's all very complicated.
You wouldn't understand.
Try me, 'cause it's getting pretty fuzzy here
from the cheap seats.
(lightning zapping)
- [Gawd] Silence! (thunder clapping)
(laughing)
- I'm starting to think you're not the only one
around here without a brain.
- Yeah, seems kind of heartless,
for lack of a better word.
- Yeah, you put a pair of ruby red
Christian Louboutin's in front of a girl
and tell her not to y 'em on?
Ain't gonna happen.
- I said silence! (thunder clapping)
(coughing)
- Look what you did, you big bully.
You scared the kitty.
You got something against pussy?
- Achoo!
- I'm puttin' Matlock back on.
- Good.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- We're here for the Lord.
And he's pretending to be a God
that is not right.
And we came today to
express our love for the Lord
and to say we're about faith, not about filth.
- [Crowd] Faith not filth!
- [Newswoman] Launched in mid-2015,
the YouTube programming channel It's Gawd!
Became an immediate--
- Geez.
They look pissed.
- You said pussy on national TV.
- Kind of just slipped out.
- Winkyipedia says the original script
featured a love story
between Dorothy and the Scarecrow.
- It's wiki, not winky, duck tape.
- I didn't ask for trivia, Puba.
I want to know who owns the IP.
- I thought you said nothing was gonna change.
I don't remember words like copyright infringement.
- Have you guys heard of Beezid.com?
- it was inevitable, J.
The more popular we get,
the more attention we get,
the more regulated we get.
- [Lucy] Beezid.com
- Okay, so what happens we bring back
the bit with L. Ron Hubbard and the
Dalai Lama jello wrestling?
- That get people talking.
- Hmm, they talkin' all right.
- Oh, I think I just bought a dozen exercise bikes.
- Bees.
- The last thing we need is Scientology on our ass.
- This is so cool.
Everything's connected.
Just like you guys.
All connected.
- Nah, man.
This, this is bullshit.
- No, seriously, look.
- Now before we were on Mr. Douche TV,
we said whatever we wanted to, man.
That's what made the show work.
- Ancestry.com.
- Look, this isn't just the Internet anymore, junior.
- Internet we're getting--
- Hey J.
- [J and Holly] Shut up.
- It's amazing what you can find on the Internets.
- You do it just to annoy me, right?
- Flowers, oh Holly, you shouldn't have.
- I wouldn't have.
They're from an adoring fan.
- [Gawd] Holly, just say it already.
- Okay.
How do you feel about the Adam and Eve bit?
- [Gawd] I thought it went well.
- Uh-huh.
What about the part where you told her
to keep her hands off your mighty staff?
- Well, she had them first
- Can yoat least try to be careful?
- You know what the real problem is?
- That you secretly want to be a chorus dancer?
- Commercials.
They killed the vibe.
You know, we never had those when we were
just on the Internets.
(exhaling)
Shaq's Soda.
You know how I love Shaq's Soda.
We get them to sponsor the show.
I'll drink it on the air and that way
we won't have to do the commercials.
- Shaq's Sa.
The chosen beverage.
- Holly, I came here to give people the tools
so they can help themselves.
But I can't do that if I'm not on the air
long enough to make my point.
- So make your point already and quit goofing aund.
- It has to be subtle or people will
just tune us out.
- Subtle?
- [Gawd] Yea
- Like hawking Shaq's Soda?
- Yeah, exactl
- There is nothing like a man in a pair of tights.
- It's a one-piece.
Unitard, actually.
I gotta go ice my ankles.
- What's in the box?
- Flowers, o would assume.
(screaming)
- [J] What happened?
- Oh. - Oh.
Sick basrds.
Oh.
- [Stephanie] Uck.
30 seconds, guys.
- Headlinesandheroes.com.
Your curator of cool gadgets,
gear, and gifts for men.
Kind of long, isn't it?
- Sellin' out was your idea, Yahwe
- What?
- Stung?
But we cured you of your bean allergy.
- Your bracelet was scratched.
- Oh, Christ!
- No, I'm Gawd.
- No, you have a big stain on your shirt.
- [Stephanie And Ka$sh] 10, nine, eight.
- [Holly] Uh!
- [Stephanie] Seven, six, five,
four, three, two.
- Welcome back to It's Gawd!
Brought to you by headlinesandheroes.com.
And...
Unity
brand jeans.
- Hey, welcome back you lovely creatures.
I just want to take this time to tell ya
how much I love you.
Every saint and every scoundrel.
And you know what else I love me?
- Tell it, G.
Tell it on t mountain!
- Shaq Soda.
Every cool refshing drink.
- m gonna ram that goddamn Shaq's Soda
so far up his a...
(kiss smacking)
- What's your problem?
Don't I turn you on anymore?
- Oh, yeah.
Of course you do.
I just, oh, it's work.
It's this Gawd show.
It's just, it's making me crazy.
- Or maybe it's his producer.
You know, I wasn't born yesterday, Jeffrey.
- Really?
She thinks you were.
- You're still in love with her.
- Pff.
Oh-ho-ho.
- Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal.
Now, whether you're playing hoops
or attenng an opera,
or just hanging out at Bible schoo
(sighing)
Buy Shaq Soda at every outlet in America.
Hey, Steve.
What you guys drinkin'ver there?
Shaq Soda, what else?
You know, Shaq Soda would make a good name
for a band.
What do you think, Ste?
You know, yesterday I was enjoying a nice,
cold can of--
(phone ringing)
Is that a phon
(phone ringi)
(laughing)
- Hello?
Holly, you there?
Holly?
- It's for you.
- No, hang up.
- effrey] Hello?
- It's really, it's for you.
- Jeffrey, I'll call you back.
- Ah, no, listen.
I ve to say this now.
Holly, I still,
why is it so echo-y?
- Answer 'em.
(urine splashing)
- [Holly] What in the hell was that?
- Shaq Soda.
It really makes you pee.
- Enough with the Shaq Soda.
- Why didn't you talk to Jeffrey?
- What the?
Because it's futil
- [Gawd] What, you condemn the man befo
you give him a chance?
- A chance?
A chance to yell at me for failing to handle you?
- .
A chance to grieve about the death of your daughter.
- Uh! (slap smacking)
- You wanted to see me?
- When were you gonna tell me about Shaq Soda?
- I don't know.
It's been around for awhile.
Delicious stuff.
- The sponsorship, genius.
(laughing)
- No, ere's no sponsorship.
Not yet, at least.
But after tonight, that should get someone's attention.
- So you went on national television,
you advertised someone's product without their permission?
- I need permission to say that I likShaq Soda?
- You endorsed Shaq Soda!
You held it up there in your retarded little hand
and you named your friggin' band after it.
Did it ever occur to you maybe they don't want
some controversial moron representing
their product on T
- Well, I hardly think that--
- You stupid son of a bih.
You are a two-bit Internetack.
I gave you your own TV show.
You threw it all away!
Etienne, draft a press release effective immediately.
I am canceling It's Gawd!
How do you le them apples?
- Apples?
Very biblical.
- I don't remember asking you to come in here.
- Hey, Steve.
- Hey, boss.
- Steve?
- Etienne's French for Steve.
They're all named Ste.
- It'll be our little secret.
- Oh.
("Lost Here" by Fauntella Crow)
* Close the window love
Keep the light out
* Shut the curtains tight
* We'll get found out
* Or we'll get lost here
We'll get found out
* Or we'll get lost here
- Is this seat taken?
God walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "You look tired."
God says, "Well, I just finished creating
"a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness."
And so the bartender says--
- "Time to call it a day
- That's good.
Good.
- Sorry I slapped you.
Just guess I have some unresolved anger issues.
- You think I took your child away.
Gawd doesn't make little gir die in their cribs, Holly.
That's something they decidehemselves.
- He doesn't stop them, either.
- No.
- That's convenient.
Just leaves us all his messes to fix.
- Hmm, sounds li I'm not the only one
around here with a God complex.
I know your heart, Holly.
- That's what my dad used to say.
- He was a good man.
- He had an eight-year affair with my nan
- Yeah, but you loved him.
(chuckles)
- I love philanding, adulterous,
narcissistic assholes.
I feel so alone.
I miss Maddie.
I miss her so much.
- Would you believe me if I told you
that your daughter's sole purpose
for her brief lifetime here was to remind y
of who you really are?
- So who the hell am I?
- Hell doesn't exist.
That was an invention of the Earth--
- Just tell me
how to stop loving people who are tic.
- People aren't toxic.
Sometimes their assumptions are.
Are you absolutely sure he kws
that he was a father
- How do you know what you know?
- I'm Gawd.
- Ah, what a day.
- Yeah, it ain't over yet.
Jeffrey wants to cancel the show.
(Legs, Hips, and Jesus) by DariusTX
- Excuse me?
Another shot for me and one r the deity.
- I probably shouldn't.
- [Holly] Come on.
You run the universe and you can't shoot tequa?
- Not the whole universe.
Just this quadrant.
(chuckles)
- Cheers.
- Oh.
(chuckles)
Cheers.
- [Holly] Ah.
- Ah.
* Lord I wanna get
* a little stanky on
* My hangdown
(laughing)
- Who knew Gawd was such a lightweight.
- [Gawd] Gotta sing loud, loud.
- No, no, no,!
Last thing we need is you
stabbing someone in the head.
- [Gawd] Yeah, you're righ
- [Holly] Sit down.
(groaning)
Comen.
- Wh!
Oh, hey!
Barkeep!
Another round of Red Eye.
Yeah, come on.
Ah.
All right.
Oh, hey, hit me again.
That tastes like water.
(laughing)
Ah, this cock block has got to go.
Ah.
It's itchy.
- [Tawd] You've lost control, Gawd.
Don't you think it's time to let go?
- Oh for cryin' out loud, Tawd.
I've been busy, okay?
Jeez.
- All right, Almighty.
Come on.
- [Gawd] What, where are we goin'?
- [Holly] We're going to go.
I know.
- [Gawd] I can say that.
- [Holly] Let's get out of here.
Come on.
- Tawd just don't shut up.
(zapping)
- You're real.
He's real.
Holy shit.
Lucy, what did you just do to me?
- Woo, you know, you and J should get together.
You're like brothers, blood brothers.
Blood sisters.
- Yup, yh, yeah, yeah.
- Jeff's a jerk.
- Whatever you say, Puba.
(mumbling)
Dammit.
Ah.
Okay, stay put.
I forgot to close out my tab, okay?
Wait here.
- Stay put.
- [Tawd] Surrender your planet.
I want that sun.
- wd!
Hey!
Hey, you and I see things differently, Tawd.
You know why?
'Cause you're always in the dark.
(laughing)
Hey, I got another one for you, Tawd.
Th're called matches.
Here you go, ya douche bag.
Whew.
Oh, I gotta, I gta, I gotta stop some how.
(sirens wailing)
Oh, crap.
(church bell tolling)
(buzzer buzzing)
Oh.
- You're real?
Are you kidding me?
- Well, someone's got his bell rung.
Public indecency, stalking,
criminal harassment, parole violation,
felony tampering
Real impressive rap sheet, Ga...
Gawd.
Holy shit.
We are in deep shit.
- You're consumed with feces.
- Please, tell me you have a plan, dude.
- Gawd is the pl.
Well, be sure to mention that on the broadcast.
- Broadcast?
You're in jail, homes!
The world's ending a...
The whole world's ending and you're still
dicking around with the TV show.
- It's not ending.
It's changing.
And change takes a long time.
That's why I've been grooming you.
- Grooming me?
For what?
- To takover, Jesus.
My son.
- Well, you're not list...
What did you just say?
- Luke, I am your father
(laughing)
- Red pill.
- You can't be serious?
- No, I am serio.
It's time for you to take over.
You gotta tell 'em what you know.
- Whoa, what I know?
- You'd be surprised what you know.
You're my son.
- You'd be surprised wYou're part of me.
Just be willing to lose your mind.
Ooh.
- What's wrong with him?
- It's probably the prison food.
Eh.
I can only eat so many refried beans.
Oh!
- Uh-oh!
- Uh-oh?
Gawd?
Uh...
- Hi.
We need to talk.
- [Jeffrey] There's nothing to talk about.
- I'm not referring to the show.
At the cemetery,
what did you mean when you said,
"You can be the moon and jealous of the stars?"
- With all that I have,
I wasn't able to give you the thing that you want most.
A baby, Einstein.
- A baby Einstein?
Your jealous that you didn't send a gift?
- No.
A baby, comma, Einstein.
I'm sterile, Holly.
That's why my ex-wife divorced me.
I'm shootin' blanks.
So when you got pregnant,
I guess I deserved it.
- That's why you were so detached.
- What?
- Jeffrey, I wasn't with anyone else.
Only you
Maddie was yours.
Ours.
- That's impossible.
(sighing)
- [Ka$sh Money] Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy.
- [Lucy] He's fine.
- [J] He's not fe.
- [Lucy] He fine
- [Ka$sh Money] What's the matter?
- Lucy just sent Gawd into anaphylactic shock.
- What? How?
- She gave him your bean alley.
- I had to put somewhere.
- I'm not allergic to beans.
- There's gonna be a show tonight.
- Um, point of procedure.
Our host is in the hoosegow.
- No, he's in the hospital now
- I'm gonna do it.
(laughing)
- Come on.
- No, there's no cice.
The Earth's about to be assigned to some Tawd asshole.
And who knows--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Now you believe in this nonsense?
- Look, I'm not asking for you to believe, Ka$h.
Just for your help.
Let's go.
- Jeffrey?
Jeffrey?
(tires squealing)
- [Ka$h] Oh, oh my God.
- [J] Let's go.
- [Stephanie] Give me a hand.
- We're gonna need more power than we have
to jam the satellite
Any ideas?
- Not a problemo, honey bunny!
Beezid.com
(inspiring dramatic music)
(wings squeaking)
(upbeat dramatic music) (electricity zapping)
- What do the Shaq Soda's do?
- What?
- The Shaq Sodas?
What are they for?
- handles
As long as we stay north of 45,000 volts,
we'll override everybody.
- Stephanie, you too?
- Call me Steve.
Half a class angel, North American territory.
- Oh come on
You don't en have wings.
- Angels don't have wings.
- Oh let me guess.
You're an angel, too.
- I ain't no angel, homie.
- No, he's mson.
[J] Dude!
You broke out of t hospital!
- He fine!
- Batshit crazy.
All of you.
- You really stepped up
and you made your father very proud.
- Would somebody please tell me
what's going on.
- [Tawd] Eradicate the human.
- Oh balls.
- So what do you say?
Time for another God Spam?
Little father-son tag team action?
(church bell tolling)
- She was amazing.
So alert.
I mean, she was too young to speak,
but I always felt like she knew what I was thinking.
Like we were so connected.
And she would always make this cute,
little sound like...
- Like a Mogwai?
- What's a Mogwai?
- From Gremlins.
Before they became Gremlins.
- Ye
Exactly.
(laughing)
I can't believe that referen just came out of your mouth.
- My mom said I made that sound a lot
when I was little.
- Jeffrey Stegall has a mother?
(laughing)
What do you want to say?
- .
Need does not exist.
No one ever dies.
And love is all there is.
- You're gonna try and stop
Tawd's new worldrder
with your new age hippy bullshit?
- What would thou sayest?
- Uh, something th matters?
Maybe fix thy messes while you're at it?
- You assume that I am the mess maker.
- Tell us what to do.
How to pray.
Who's right and who's wrong.
- If your right foot stomps your left, who wins?
- Stop answering my questions with more questions.
I'm gonna lose my mind.
- Lose your mind, find your soul.
- It's like talking to a Hallmark card.
Why don't you just sack up
and take the wheel for onc
- I might as well be Td.
- I'd avoid motivational speaking if I were you
because you suck at it.
- When one knows all the outcomes,
the future is no longer in doubt.
There is no risk.
This is why I cannot be the catalyst for the change.
I cannot desire because there is nothing
that I don't already have.
Change must be born of human desire.
And this, my son, is the reason of life.
- 15 seconds, guys.
- Okay.
Go.
- .
Okay, ah.
So do I get any special powers at least?
- Huh?
- I'm your offspring, right?
Don't I get to perform miracles and shit?
(laughing)
What
- This is intelligent design?
- In five,our, three.
- J, I didn't mean I was literally your father.
You are all my children.
It was just like a figure of speech.
- You, you played me?
(electricity zapping)
You asshole!
- Well, that Drew Carey sure does have a filthy mouth.
- I'm supposed to tell you that
need doesn't exist,
even though 15,000 people died of starvation today.
I'm supposed to tell you that death does not exist,
although that appeared to contradict
with my first statement.
I'm supposed to tell you that
love is all there is.
Although I'm not quite sure how the whole
Nazi Holocaust thing fits into this theory.
(sighing)
As ridiculous as I sound,
is it any more ridiculous than things
we currently believe about God?
He hears our prayers?
Says yes to some?
No to others, may but not now to the rest?
By what measure does God decide?
- Yeah.
(dramatic muc)
- [Man] Where the hell is this coming from?
- I don't know.
It's, it's everywhere.
(phone ringing)
Control.
It's Homeland Security.
- Why can't we even ask any of these questions?
'Cause it's not politically correct
'cause you might offend someone.
It's better just to wait.
Let someone else take the lead.
(inspiring instrumental music)
You know what?
No one ever does.
(inspiring instrumental music)
We have arrived at a time when the entire history
of the human race can fit onto a thumb drive.
Yet we still base our morality
off some top 10 list he turned with slaves
and farm animals.
I doe
thou shalt not molest altar boys
be ranked a little higher?
[Officer] Looking Glass 1-7 Command,
confirmation of broadcast source
500 Broadway blo, please advise.
- [Man] Ah, we've got a problem.
This thing is hitting the east coast.
- [J] This concoction of intoleran,
of contradiction of hypocricy.
We're supposed to save people, even.
I'm sorry, it's just can't work anymore.
- I got nothing.
- Well that's a first.
- How do you honor the death of a life
you never knew?
- By celebrating the lives of those you do.
Oh my God.
- We have Sunnis and Shiites,
Jews, Palestinians, Protestants, Catholics,
Buddhists, Hindus, all killing each oth
for tiny differences in dogma.
You know, maybe it's time that we admit
that we all just be completely full of shit.
- Jeffrey, this isn't good.
- Oh, you think?
- There are none people more saved than any other.
There are no one people more chosen
over any other.
There are no one people more chosen
This isn't sacred.
It's...
It's scared.
For the past year I've ah,
I've been working for a crazy homeless guy
who somehow made a hell of a lot of sense.
Even though he takesforever.
Maybe that's because the points he's making
take a long time to sink in.
I'm not even afraid of this god.
I love him.
He's my friend.
(sirens wailing)
What if
the entire world
was ab to call their creator their friend?
If the worst part about God wasn't his
anger, judgmenor wrath,
but just having to endure his bad jokes?
- Hey, tell 'em the one about the priest!
- Not now, dude.
On a roll.
We put so much importance on finding
the word of God,
and so little on the experience.
When our experience contradicts what we've been taug,
we discard our experience for fear of eternal punishment.
supposedly loves us eternally.o
(sirens wailing)
Wouldn't it be nice if it wasn't
such a struggle to understand God?
?
over the nasty parts of the story
because it gave them nightmare
Might not that be the reason f
this continued violence and destruction.
Does not the bullied become the bully?
(dramatic music)
- [Officer] Go, go, go, go.
Freeze!
Drop your weapon and lie down on the ground!
Drop the gun!
- Are you out of your mind?
- Yeah.
- [Officer] Put the gun down now!
- Gumball?
- [Electronic Toy Gun] Gumball!
(guns firing
- [Gawd] Do not feel abandoned.
You are not alone.
Foeven now in this darkness, I am with you.
I am the darkness.
A thing cannot exist without its opposite.
Hot and cold, up and down, light and rk.
Now open your eyes to this new understanding.
You cannot experie nce yourself as what you are
until you've encounter what you are not.
You cannot demonstrate love
until you can demonstrate not loving.
A thing cannot exist without its opposite.
(soft instrumental music)
Earth is where the deathless come to die.
Repeat this to yourself
and in time you will come to understand it fully.
Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.
I will not leave you.
I cannot leave you.
For you are my daughter.
- [Gawd and J] And my son.
My purpose
and my...
- Self.
You have found your voice and I am so proud.
There will be those who choose to worship you.
Help them to see through you.
You are the message, not the messenger.
No one ever dies.
Life is eternal.
simply choose to change form.
For even as you read these words,
I'm with you always.
And all ways.
P.S.
Throw in a laugh now and again.
I've left you my joke books for reference.
(laug hing)
- [Fish] Achoo!
(water splashing)
(chuckles)
- I had a really rough childhood.
My father was terrible.
So terrible that I ended up in the hospital one night.
But the good part about it was I had
a guardian angel on my side.
The doctor that helped me saved my life, y'all.
(chuckles)
He got me off the streets
and he helped me pay for school.
I kept thanking him and thanking him.
"I'm only a man," heaid.
"Actually, I'm worse."
Dr. Robert Abrams.
- That's my father's name.
- Kind of figured it might be.
And that night I got hit by the sushi wagon.
I lost my job and I was about to get
evicted from my apartmt.
No accidents.
Ain't that right, sweet and low?
Welcome to the answer to your prayers.
(chuckles)
(buzzer buzzing)
- Honey bunny!
- We don't want you both in the slammer.
- Jeffrey's attorney's working on getting
you out of here, oy?
- That's okay.
This time is well spent.
For every reaction a million new reactions.
Wait, there's no touch.
- Don't go flippin' your quarters off of rooftops.
Wait, there's no touch.
Wait, th- What?o touch.
Wait, there's no touch.
- How do you know at you know?
- I'm Gawd.
- Answere, goddamit!
Okay.
You're freaking me out a little.
- You ain't seen nothin' yet.
Oh, how do you all feel about podcasting
on the YouTubes?
- Oh God.
- Exactly.
- [Gawd] Woo, smells like sushi in here.
Oh, it's me.
I'm not dead.
I was sleepin'.
(chuckle
Hey, I got a jokfor you.
- [Rawd] Tawd?
- [Brawd] Gone missing
What does that even mean?
- [Gawd] Okay, so Tawd walks into a bar.
"Well, if it isn't the prince of darkness,"
says the bartender.
Tawd looks suspicious.
"There's something fishy about says Tawd.
"I'm looking for Gawd," he says.
"Well thenou must be a..." (banging)
"Roaming Catholic"
(bubble gurgling)
(laughing)
(dramatic music)
("Immortals" by Cemetery Weather